Wasted
by MasterOfThisGuise
Summary: A Fire Emblem: Awakening Self-Insert. Well, kind of like a self-insert, there are really a lot of differences between me and the character in this (i.e., his name), but a lot of similarities. ...Does that still count? I wake up with a killer hangover the day after my birthday in the middle of a field, only to be found by a bunch of video game characters.
1. Chapter 1 Wasted

"What, there's another one?!"

_Ugh. Where am I?_

"What do we do now?"

_Whose… Whose voices are those?_

"Is sleeping in the middle field some new messed-up trend these days?"

_Augh… My head… What did I have last night? Wait, that's right! I just turned nineteen last night!_

"Well, it _does _look pretty comfy."

_Man, I am _never _drinking ag – ah, who am I kidding? I'm gonna go get a beer right now._

"Yeah, but – hey, I think he's getting up!"

_Man, my bed feels weird. Maybe I should drink a little less…_

"Hey, are you all right?"

_Is… Is he talking to me? Wh-what are people doing in my apartment? Unless… I woke up out of town again?!_

I jump up for a second, but my legs aren't able to support me with such little notice, and I fall right back down.

I let out a painful groan.

"Yeah, he definitely needs help."

The ground feels soft. Is it grass? Yeah, it's definitely grass. Guess I woke up in the middle of a field again. Man, what did I get myself into last night?

I sit up, rubbing my temples. Stupid hangover…

I try to open my eyes. Everything looks blurry. Does that man have… blue hair? Did I wake up in the middle of some Japanese anime club, or something?

I slap myself. Partially to try to distract myself from the headache, partially to try to clear up my vision, and partially to punish myself for getting myself this drunk.

"Here, let me help you up."

There's a hand in front of me. My brain must be working really slowly if it takes it that long just to notice that. Still, it knows to accept help when it's offered and, embarrassingly, needed, and I grab the hand, and am once again on my feet.

And I'm now face-to-face with a video game character.

The man in front of me is Chrom, from that Fire Emblem game that I wouldn't put down for so long.

"How are you feeling?"

I hold up my finger, and mutter, "Hold that thought."

I slap myself again.

Hard.

I do a three-sixty, and fall back on the ground. Am I still here? Shit.

There's a moment of silence, and then I hear a voice, "I'm not helping him up again."

There's silence until somebody sighs. Then, a high-pitched voice comes in, "Fine, I'll do it."

Something grabs my arm, and forces me up. Now, I'm face-to-face with that royal little princess named Lissa. She's looking at me like I just told her that I was Santa Claus, and that I raped her grandkids.

Okay, so maybe I'm not dreaming. But, just to be sure –

I'm back on the ground. I've slapped myself a third time.

"Okay, Frederick. Looks like it's your turn."

"No! No! I'm fine!" I manage to croak, helping myself up.

Before I know it, I'm back on the ground.

_Good god, my face stings._

I look up. Right in front of me is the overpowered giant of a knight known as Frederick. Oh, how I loved you in Lunatic mode.

"Sorry, I just assumed you'd be doing it yourself, so I thought I'd spare you the trouble."

Heh. Who knew you had a sense of humour, Freddy? I think I may actually prefer you as the strict gym teacher that you were in the game.

"Thanks. I appreciate it." I get up for a – one, two, three – fourth time.

_Okay. As far as you know, you are in the messed up Fire Emblem world. But, you could just be in deep sleep, and be dreaming this. Getting slapped four times would probably be enough to wake you up, but that's just how much of a deep sleep you're in. Since you don't seem to be able to wake yourself up, I say you should just go with it. Don't screw this up more than you already have._

I think I heard somewhere that, once you realize you're in a dream, you can control what happens. Just to see if this works, I imagine Frederick getting slapped in the face, just to get back at him.

My god, it worked!

Oh. No, wait. That was just me.

I am so screwed.

Before Frederick can begin to make my life a living hell, Lissa is on the ground, laughing her ass off. I look at Chrom, and he's laughing, too. Thank god. If they weren't, I'd probably be dead by now.

"Sorry about that. But, I imagine that it didn't really hurt that much."

Frederick regains his composure. And then, he puts on the tiniest of smiles.

Yeah, I am so dead.

"It's all right. I suppose I brought it upon myself."

I exhale loudly. I thought I was a dead man. Well, I suppose that dying here would just wake me up, but still.

So, what now? I suppose I should try to remember what Robin says at the beginning.

"So, what's your name?" Chrom inquires.

"Hm? Oh, I'm – uh… It's… It's strange, I can't seem to remember." I feign confusion.

This captures Chrom's interest, and, evidently, Frederick's suspicion.

"Just like this man, huh?" Chrom says, motioning right behind me.

_What man?_

I turn around, and right behind me is a man with white hair and a large, dark coat.

"Robin?!"

_How long has he been standing there?!_

Robin looks at me with interest, as if the answer to the universe had just come to him.

"What… what did you say?"

_Oh, crap, I've totally messed this up. Relax, Lucas, just go along with it. _

"Oh, er… My apologies. It's just… When I saw you, that name just came to me," I don't need to feign confusion this time.

He looks up at the sky. "Yes… yes that name seems… right."

He then looks at me, beaming. _He _is _a strange one._

"Yes, that is definitely my name. I apologize. I'm sure that we must have known each other at one point in time, but I'm afraid that I'm in the exact same position as you are. I just woke up here, with no memories at all, and Chrom, Frederick, and Lissa here found me." He gestures to each of them in that order. Good. That means I can just call them by their names, and not have to explain how I know them.

Robin turns me around. "And I am Robin, apparently." He shakes my hand.

My confused face hasn't left yet. "This is… insane." I realize that I'm now going to need to stick to my amnesiac story for the rest of the dream. Great.

"Agreed," I hear Frederick say. I turn around. "Are you telling me that both of you have woken up in the same field on the same day as supposed amnesiacs, and that one of you," he motions to Robin, "knows the name of our lord and that the other," he motions to me, "knows the name of the other, yet neither of you have learned your own name on your own?" He turns to Chrom. "Milord, something is _clearly _amiss."

"Well, if it helps, I just remembered my name," I butt in.

Everyone turns towards me. I see a flabbergasted look on Frederick's face. Yeah, that probably wasn't the best time to miraculously remember my name.

There's a long silence. I decide to do the brave thing, and end it, "Lucas." I say. No change of emotion in everyone's face.

"My name's… Lucas."

The silence continues.

"Soooo…"

This is almost as awkward as every time my friends force me to talk to a random good-looking girl. Somehow, the instincts I get when I'm in that situation kick in right about now.

I look up at the sky. "Nice weather we're having, huh?" _Smooth, Lucas._

Frederick turns to Chrom, with his arm sticking out at me, making a face that clearly says "See what I'm talking about?"

Chrom shakes his head. "What if they _are _telling the truth? We can't just leave them here!"

Lissa finally gets in on the conversation. I honestly expected her to be more energetic and talkative. But, then again, this is a pretty confusing situation. "Well, what do we do with them?"

Robin stops them before they can say anything. "You may want to look at that!" he yells, pointing ahead.

There's a village on fire. Of course. I should've remembered. It's the first chapter.

Or prologue, if you decide to call it by what the game knows it as.

I'm too distracted to hear what everyone is saying.

_Does this mean I'm going to be fighting? Man, I'm no good at combat… Unless this really _is _a dream. Then, I'll either be epic, or I'll wake up as soon as steel pierces my flesh. Or, maybe I'll be able to use magic!_

I look down at myself. I remember that in the game, Robin just somehow had his sword and magic tome. I, on the other hand, have nothing.

"What about these two?" Frederick cuts in, breaking me from my train of thought.

"Unless they're on fire, they can wait! Come on, sis!" he calls to Lissa (hooray, now I can know that they're siblings).

And, just like that, they're off, leaving me and Robin in the dust.

Robin looks at me, shocked. "Wh-what do we do?!"

I shrug. "Do you have any weapons?" I examine him.

Robin pulls out a sword.

_Where the hell did that come from?!_

He runs off, and now I'm alone.

"What?! But I… You can't just… Good god!" I run after him, having absolutely no idea what I'm doing.

I do know one thing, however:

This is the best drunk-dream I've ever had.

* * *

**AN:**

**So, this is my first ever fanfic, and, for some reason, I decided to do a self-insert. This being my first fanfic, any suggestions about anything would be greatly appreciated! I'm not entirely happy with this chapter, so I actually want suggestions.  
They can be on anything, really, whether it's a spelling error, a change in style of writing, or whether you like a particular pairing in this game, I'll (try to) read all of them. So... yeah, bye!**


	2. Chapter 2 Blood and Thunder

It's just like the video game. Everything's on fire. I see a few enemies here and there, who now appear to have taken notice of us. I don't see the big baddy anywhere, though, and it looks like there is a large group of enemies emerging from a building in the distance.

_Bad day for a hangover…_

…Did I seriously just quote Devil May Cry?

Chrom appears to be having the conversation in which Robin learns that he can use magic and swords. A myrmidon jumps at him, and Robin suddenly pulls out his sword, and blocks the attack. Chrom comes and stabs the myrmidon.

It seems that Robin will be using swords from now on.

"Hey," I tap him on the shoulder, "Could you lend me something?"

He pulls out a tome, and looks at it. "Do you know how to use magic?"

I grab the book, "Guess we'll have to find out."

I have no idea how these work. Do I just flip to a page and read what's on it? If so, which page? And how the hell did these break?!

There's a small group of enemies headed for us. I open the book, and prepare to use magic, but I hesitate and pick up the dead myrmidon's sword, just in case, and put it in the belt-holding-thing in my jeans.

I decide to flip to the first page. Let's see… What does this book say? I honestly cannot read this crap. It looks like just a bunch of random noises that I have to say. I say them, and stick my hand out in the manner I've seen so many times in the game.

A large ball of lightning comes out, and knocks down a barbarian.

OH SHIT THAT'S A MYRMIDON – I quickly block with the sword. I try to slash back at him, but he dodges. I try to stab him, and this time, I make contact.

I take a good look at what I've just done. The man is coughing up blood. I slowly watch as the life drains from his eyes. He falls over on my sword. I quickly drop it, and the myrmidon falls on his back. I stare at my hands, and fall on my knees, shaking.

_What have I done? _

I start to question whether this is a dream. This feels so… real, and that man I just killed… It was all just so gruesome. My mind has never come up with thoughts this dark before.

I know one thing, however. Dream or not, this memory will haunt me forever.

I hear Lissa's voice call out, "Lucas!" I look up from my hands. There's some barbarian swinging an axe at me. I look around. I left my sword in that myrmidon. With nothing to protect me, I don't even try to fight back.

The axe takes me in the side. I fall over, my head hazy, my vision blurring, and my side bleeding like crazy. The barbarian is standing over me, holding his axe above his head, ready to finish me off. I close my eyes.

_Make this quick…_

Nothing comes. I open my eyes, to find the barbarian lying on his back, blood coming from his chest. I've been saved by the over-powered god-send that is Frederick.

All of a sudden, Lissa's at my side, healing me.

I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. Shit, that's a lot of blood.

"You okay?" Lissa asks.

_An axe was just put in me, giving me and extra hole in my body, and causing me to spout out blood like a fountain! Do you _think _I'm okay?!_

"Never been better…" I groan. "_**SHIT, THAT HURTS!**_" I scream as Lissa begins healing me.

"Well, stop struggling!"

"Will that make it feel any better?"

Lissa looks at me. "No, but it makes things easier for me."

I shrug. Well, I would have, but, frankly, I can barely keep my head up. "Fair enough."

A sudden realization comes to me.

I'm not dreaming.

I am definitely not dreaming.

This is the real freaking deal.

Shit.

I guess that part of me already knew this, but now that the actual thought has come to me, it only brings up another question.

How the hell am I going to get out of this?! Oh well, never mind that. There'll be more time for that later. Right now, just focus on staying alive.

Finally, I get some feeling going in my arms and neck. I look up. There's Chrom, chopping up some mages… And some myrmidon is rushing at him from behind.

God, I hate the myrmidons…

I try to yell something, but I know that he wouldn't be able to hear me in time. I take a look at the dead body of the barbarian that almost ended me. There's his axe, but I don't really know if it's one of those throw-able ones. Nonetheless, I push Lissa off of me, which I'm sure I'll never hear the end of later, pick up the axe, get up as much as I physically can, and throw it at the myrmidon.

_Please hit, please hit, please hit…_

It hits. I fall back in relief. Chrom takes a glance at the screaming myrmidon that I just killed, and then looks at me. He nods. Hooray, acknowledgement.

Something punches me in the arm. I don't need to turn around to know that it's Lissa.

She hits like a girl.

"What was that for?!"

I moan. "I just saved your brother's life, you're welcome. Could you please just get to healing me? I'd like to help stab these people!"

Lissa mutters some words, but still decides to heal me. I take a look around, not being able to do anything.

There are definitely more enemies than I remember in the game. That probably compensates for the fact that they're so easy to kill. This probably means that fighting isn't going to be as easy as I thought.

Crap.

I stop feeling the tingly sensation filling my body.

"Are you done healing me?"

"Yup, you're all better."

"Good," I say as I shove her out of the way, again, and shoot a lightning bolt at a barbarian who was about to decapitate her.

"Okay, what is with you and shoving me?!" Lissa cries at me.

"Your welcome," I smirk. I'm only into the first actual level (I don't count that Validar fight), and I've already made a running gag. "Look, I've saved both you and your brother, so I think you can stand a little shoving."

She gets up, and puts on her pouty face.

"Come on, let's go see if we can find anyone else for you to heal," I say, punching her shoulder playfully.

I pick up the previous barbarian's axe. Stealing weapons is going to be a useful and addictive habit in this world.

A myrmidon jumps out of nowhere.

_Oh, shit – _BLOCK!

I swing the axe at his neck. I turn away, and close my eyes, not wanting the see the gruesome image. I feel the blood splatter on me, and I hear the head hit the ground. I swallow the feeling to throw up, and just run away. I don't even steal his sword.

A man who appears to be a mercenary spots me and Lissa. He gets killed quickly, and in a considerably less gruesome manner. I put his sword in my belt-holding-thing, and run off again.

The enemies seem to be running low on numbers. I can't see any.

That's good.

On the other hand, I can't see Chrom, Robin, or Frederick.

That's bad.

I hear fighting from in some restaurant named "Mick & Donald's" (I try not to laugh), which I'm pretty sure was the building that had enemies running out of it. With no other leads as to where they could be, I dash in there.

Sure enough, there are Chrom and Robin, fighting off some brigands. I think I see the head baddy somewhere in the back – he's dressed the fanciest.

Frederick's probably helping some citizens evacuate, or something, because I can't find him anywhere. It's a shame. We could have used his over-powered-ness.

I take a look at my axe. In the game, you could throw it, and somehow it would always get back in your hand. It didn't work last time, but it couldn't hurt to try another time, could it? That is, assuming my aim is as good as it was last time.

I pick my target – some mage – and throw the axe at him. Sure enough, it makes contact, but, unfortunately, the axe doesn't return to my hand. It might need some type of magic, or something.

I try to recite the incantation for lightning, but I can't seem to get it right, like I did a few minutes ago while saving Lissa. I reluctantly pull out the tome, and recite the incantation, sending a few bolts into the crowd. Okay, I think I've got that memorized, by now… I turn around just in time to see a barbarian running at me.

_**Oh shit, dodge! Hit its head with the book!**_

That was… surprisingly effective. I smashed his head into the wall, knocking him out cold.

I pull out my sword, and finish him off.

_So much blood._

I try not to think about that.

I turn to Lissa, "You may want to get out. You know, wait outside or some other place that's safe until we take care of this."

"Sure thing!" she says, hurrying out of the restaurant.

I run into the crowd, sword ready.

I wonder how this place isn't on fire. The rest of the buildings seem to – don't get distracted, Lucas! There's probably some magic or something. Besides, why would they want to set this place on fire, if they're just going to – I SAID CONCENTRATE!

Great. Now one of my worst enemies is my brain.

I cut a mage. And a mercenary. Another mercenary. An annoying myrmidon. I slash at another myrmidon, but he is actually a half-decent fighter, and doesn't get killed right away by the hung-over teen that just picked up a sword a few minutes ago. He strikes back, and I block. I kick at his legs, and he's down. I impale him.

I barely feel anything, this time when I kill.

I wonder if that's healthy.

I look up, and see the guy who appears to be the boss. He's just sitting in some chair, like it's a throne, watching the whole fight. He looks up, and sees me approaching. He gets up, and picks up a huge-ass axe.

I point my sword threateningly, and say, "Last chance to walk away."

Really? Dante, _again_? And it's a quote from that PlayStation All-Stars game, too! And, besides that, _what the hell are you doing?! You can't beat this guy!_

The man laughs. "Are _you _threatening _me_, you little worm?!"

I shrug, "I admit that it's probably unjustified. Which is why I'd prefer it if you'd decide to walk away. Still, if you won't put down your axe, I'll at least try to stop you."

_**What are you doing, man?!**_

He laughs again, "You're not selling yourself very well, boy."

"I like to be honest."

_**NOW IS NO TIME TO BE A COCKY PRICK!**_

"Let's just get this over with!"

He jumps at me, swinging his axe down at me.

Roll out of the way – and headfirst into the wall. Shit.

Relax, relax, just try to compose yourself. Wait – don't relax, _he's running at you right now_ _**shitfuckrolloutoftheway!**_

I roll out of the way, and this time, not into anything, giving me an actual amount of time to counterattack. I swing my sword at him, and he blocks. I swing again – he blocks.

I actually prefer this type of combat, wherein I'm the one striking, and he can't do anything about it. I definitely have a better chance of living!

This feeling of contentment is very short-lived.

He takes a heavy swing at me, and I just barely block it with my sword.

God, where are Chrom and Robin when you need them?!

Now it's my turn to repeatedly block blows. I'm panicking. What am I going to do? When I notice the tiniest opportunity to strike back, I rush into it, worried that I won't be able to make it. I panic so hard that I accidentally speak the lightning incantation spell right before I strike.

I freak out. My sword is electrified, and knocks the axe out of the man's hands. He's stunned. I'm stunned. But I do a pretty good job at hiding it.

Not passing up the opportunity to look like a badass, I point my sword at his neck. There's panic in his eyes.

"Told you to walk away," I say, just before I run him through.

* * *

**AN: This chapter is definitely darker than that last one. I guess that's what happens when you start stabbing people.  
Glad to hear that you guys seemed to like that last chapter! Again, any suggestions, don't hesitate to tell me. The next chapter's going to be really short. See ya!**


	3. Chapter 3 Reflections

Chrom and Robin finish disposing of the remaining brigands.

"Well, that's the end of that," I say, with a triumphant look on my face, resting my sword on my shoulder. I kind of regret it, giving that it's pretty heavy, and my shoulder's pretty tired, after swinging swords and axes all day. Nonetheless, I don't want to break character, and keep it up.

"Lucky for the town, we were close by!" Lissa shouts, running into the restaurant. We all begin exiting the restaurant. "But holy wow, Robin! You were incredible! Swords, AND tactics!" I suppose she missed the 'sorcery' in there, because I was the only one using magic. "Is there anything you can't do?" I can't help but notice that I was the one protecting her, and that she barely ever saw Robin fight, yet _he's _the one getting praise.

"You're still mad at me for shoving you those two times, aren't you?" I ask her.

"Yup," she turns to me, making her trademark pouty face, again.

Chrom laughs. "Well, the two of you certainly aren't helpless victims, that's for sure."

"Indeed." Oh, hey, Frederick. When'd you get here? I must say, your timing was no less than perfect. I mean, this _is _your line! "Perhaps you two might even be capable of an explanation for how you came here?"

"I understand your skepticism, Sir Frederick," Robin says before I can reply. That's probably for the best, because my argument would have less to do with the situation at hand, and more to do with the many aspects and social habits of Frederick's mother. "And we cannot explain why only some knowledge has returned to us." Oh, you're speaking for both of us now? Fine by me. "But please, believe us. We have shared all that we know." I never spoke a word, so, technically, I didn't lie, here. I'm just going to point that out.

"You fought to save Ylissean lives. My heart says that's enough," Chrom says, obviously giving Frederick some concern.

"And your mind, milord? Will you not heed its counsel as well?"

"Frederick, the Shepherds could use people with the talents of Robin and Lucas. We've brigands and unruly neighbours, all looking to bloody our soils. Would you really have us lose such an able tactician, and a brave warrior?" Brave warrior? I definitely like the sound of that. "Besides, I believe their stories, odd as they may be."

"Th-thank you, Chrom," Robin says.

"Yeah, thanks."

"So, how about it, you two?" Chrom says, turning to us. "Will you join us?"

"I would be honoured," Robin answers.

Chrom smiles, and then turns to me. He's really putting me on the spot, here. Frankly, I'm not even sure what I should do. I suppose beating the game would be an obvious step towards getting out of this world, but with the two-year break in the middle of the game, I'm not sure if I can wait that long.

There's also the Outrealm Gate. If beating the game doesn't work, that's the next most likely solution. Of course, it might be dangerous getting there, what with the bandits everywhere, and the armies of Risen that are sure to be coming very soon. I probably wouldn't make it there if I went now, and that's even if I had a clue on how to get there!

After much mental conflict, I decide that I may as well stay with these people until the first half of the game, hopefully by which time I'll be considerably stronger, and then make my way to the Outrealm Gate. Of course, if I can't go through the Gate, then I'll just have to -

"Lucas?" Chrom interrupts my thought process.

"Hm? Oh, yeah, uh… sure. Yeah, I'd… I'd love to join you guys." I nod my head.

* * *

"Did you notice, milord? The brigands spoke with a Plegian accent," Frederick observes. By now, all the villagers have made their way back into town, ready to fix the damage those bandits inflicted on them.

"Plegian? What's that?" Robin asks, which is a relief, because I almost forgot to. I realize now that Robin can be my question guy – whenever something is brought up that I should ask a question about, he'll be there to ask that question for me!

"Plegia is Ylisse's westerly neighbour. They send small bands into our territory, hoping to instigate war," Chrom explains.

"And it's the poor townsfolk who suffer! Totally innocent, and totally helpless…" Lissa whines.

Frederick cuts in, "They do have us, milady: Shepherds to protect the sheep. Do not be swept up in your anger. It will cloud your judgment.

"I know, I know…" she responds. It seems as if she's heard Frederick quote this before. "Don't worry, I'll get used to all this."

Right on cue, the villager guy comes in.

"Milord, please! You must stay the night! We are simple folk of simple means, but we would gladly toast your valor with a feast!"

"A generous offer, sir, and no doubt your hospitality would be grand…" Frederick begins. Crap. I forgot about this bit. I must do my best to put an end to it! "But I'm afraid we must hurry back to Ylisstol."

"Dark meat only for me, medium well, and no salt in the soup. I simply-" Lissa stops. "Wait, what?! We're not staying?! But, Frederick, it's nearly dark!"

"When night falls, we'll camp. Eat off the land, make our bed of twigs and the like…" He starts to give his reasons behind this insanity. "I believed you mentioned you would be 'getting used to this'?"

I run up to Frederick. "Frederick, that was pretty good reasoning. Now, allow me to present my counter-arguments! One: This man said the magic word: "Please!" Two: We can at least _eat _here – we can go camp in the woods or whatever afterwards. Surely that wouldn't take off any time from our journey! Three: Robin and I didn't say anything about getting use to this! Four: I'M STARVING! I literally cannot remember the last time I ate!"

Frederick smiles that evil smile of his. "Sorry, but my mind will not change."

"Frederick? Sometimes I hate you," Lissa complains.

"Ditto," I say, giving Frederick a stern look.

"You've quite the stern lieutenant there," Robin says, pointing out the painfully obvious.

"Yeah, well, stern is one word for it. I can think of a few others!" Lissa says. So can I. But, I won't be saying them because, frankly, I don't plan on getting stabbed by Frederick just yet.

"Frederick only smiles when he's about to bring down the axe," Chrom adds. That definitely does _not _sound healthy. Seems more like something that Henry would do…

"Duly noted," Robin says, through gritted teeth.

Frederick coughs. "You do realize I AM still present?"

"Oh, we realize," Chrom answers, smirking. Robin chuckles at this.

"Milord is as amusing as ever. Now then, shall we be going?"

"All right, all right. Ready to go?" He asks, looking at me and Robin. "The capital isn't far."

* * *

Aaaaaand now we're just outside of the forest.

"I told you – it's getting dark already!" Lissa whines. She swats a mosquito. "…Ech! And now the bugs are out! Noisy, disgusting bugs that buzz around and crawl all over and bite you when-" One of them flies into her mouth. "Agh! Won goph in mah mouph! Blech! Ptooey!" You should've kept your mouth closed, darlin'.

"Aw, come on now, Lissa. Hardship builds character. Want to help me gather firewood?" Chrom asks.

"Tpht! Tph! Yeeeeeuck!" Lissa's still gagging on that bug. "…I think I swallowed it…" You know what? I'm about to be in the middle of a war. I am _not _going to make a mental comment on that. "I'll pass on finding firewood, thanks. I think I've built QUITE enough character for one day!" Oh, is that so? Funny, I didn't see you killing brigands to save villagers, while taking axes to the –

"We should probably think about food. I don't know about you, but I'm starving," Robin cuts in.

I look at him. "'I don't know about you'?! Did you not hear my constant complaints on the way over here?!"

"Yes," Frederick says, "We did. Anyways, I should think a little hunting and gathering is in order.

"We'd have _made _the orders by now, if we had stayed in town…" I mutter.

Frederick ignores me. "Now, who wants to clear the campsite?"

"Mmm… It's been too long since I last had bear meat. Delicious!" Chrom says. I personally don't know what he's talking about. This stuff is pretty good, but a bit too chewy for my liking. Nonetheless, food is food, and I'm trying my best to rip it apart with my teeth. "…What's wrong, Lissa? Dig in."

"Pass!" Seeing that she's not going to eat it, I consider grabbing her meat, and taking it for myself. "…Gods, couldn't you spear us an animal normal people eat for once?" Right, people say "Gods" here. I make a mental note to remember that. "I mean, come on! Who eats bear?! You're meddling with the food chain." What are you, a vegan? "Right, Robin?" She really should have taken a good look at him before she asked that. Robin doesn't even stop eating to acknowledge her question. Frankly, I'm surprised she didn't notice earlier – he's the loudest eater here.

Lissa sighs. "I suppose a person would enjoy just about anything after not eating for days…"

"Just eat it, Lissa. Meat is meat," Chrom chuckles.

"_**Since when does meat smell like old boots?!**_" Lissa screams. "Wait, I take that back – boots smell better!"

"Every experience makes us stronger, milady. Even those we don't enjoy," Frederick says.

Not willing to let an opportunity to poke holes in his logic, even if they are unbearably obvious holes, I instantly ask, "_Every _experience, Frederick? So, if I were to slowly remove all of your limbs, one by one, which I must say I have considered at one point after you so graciously turned down that invitation to that restaurant on behalf of all of us, would that make you stronger?"

"Besides," Lissa cuts in, "if that were true, why don't I see YOU eating, Frederick?"

"Me? Oh, well... I'm not hungry! I…I had a large lunch! Yes, quite."

"Yeah right, Frederick!"

* * *

Everyone except Chrom seems to be sleeping. But I can't. Too many things have happened in such little time. Well, that, and the ground is _not _a comfortable thing to sleep on.

I decide to think about my current situation.

I am in a video game. A lot of the mechanics of the game don't seem to take place here, which is both fortunate and unfortunate. Fortunately, the enemy can easily get decapitated. Unfortunately, I can easily get decapitated.

I still can't shake off that feeling I had when I killed those men. Robin seems unperturbed for it being the first time he can remember killing someone. Well, he's strong. I envy him. I try to take my mind off of this topic.

I wonder if some of the other mechanics of the game take place. Mainly, classes. Do they have any actual effect here? If so, then that probably means that I'm a dread fighter, since I've effectively used swords, axes, and tomes.

Which reminds me of the whole lightning-sword thing I did not too long ago. I've never seen that happen in a game. Nobody seemed to notice me when I electrified my sword, other than that guy I killed, and his reaction seemed to suggest that nobody else has ever done something like that, so I decided to keep it my little secret. For now, anyway. I wonder if there are any other cool things I could do with tomes and other weapons. Maybe I could set my sword on fire, just like that skill Ignis! (Which also reminds me – do skills exist? I'll probably find out eventually, but my guess is that they do)

I realize that if nobody else in this world has ever come up with something like the electric-sword thing, then I have something that the rest of the world doesn't. I have the creativity of a teenager who has witnessed other people's creativity in television and video games!

I think of all the awesome things I can do. I could give myself powers like Cole MacGrath! But, wait – there's no ice magic in this game. Ah, well, I always liked Evil Cole's fire powers better than the ice powers, but I always liked being a goodie-two-shoes more.

I could set myself on fire, and then tackle the enemy, just like Evil Cole's phoenix-dash-thing!

…I now realize that that would be pretty stupid, given the fact that I would have set myself on fire. Well, maybe I could tone it down a bit. Maybe just a light fire-punch when I'm in close-quarter combat and unarmed.

…I quickly disregard this, given the fact that just shooting balls of fire or lightning or whatever would be infinitely more powerful than this. Ah, well. There'll be more time to think about this later.

A new idea comes to me. Giving yourself powers that nobody else has seen before is great and all – especially for helping people. But, even more importantly, it is the greatest chance to be the ultimate badass!

Which probably means I should stop stealing quotes solely from Dante.

There are plenty of other people whose quotes I can take.

I hear Chrom and Lissa start talking, just before they get up and leave. Right, here comes Luci – I mean, Marth. I should get it into my head to call her – I mean, _him _– Marth, just so I don't give Chrom spoilers on what to name his daughter, and so I don't freak Lu – _Marth _– out.

They're walking away now. I decide to stay put. Robin, Frederick, and I will obviously be able to find them after the Risen get here, and I'm not really sure if I can survive the flying lava that Chrom and Lissa have to dodge in that one cut-scene.

I get my sword and tome ready for battle, and wish myself luck.

I'm going to need it.

* * *

**AN: Okay, so I lied. This chapter is _not _much shorter. Originally, it was, but I wasn't happy with it, and redid it.  
This one's not very exciting. I'm going to be doing something a bit different for the next chapter to make up for it. Once again, if there are any suggestions, or if there's a typo, or anything, feel free to tell me! Bye!**


	4. Chapter 4 Crimson Knight

Sully was pissed. Today was not her day, and she needed to let off some steam.

Fortunately, she had managed to find an army of ugly-ass creatures that were attacking Chrom and the Shepherds. Nothing helps relieve anger like a good stabbing.

And boy, did she need to relieve some anger.

But why was she so angry?

It started days ago.

Back at the Shepherds' base camp, things had gotten dull. Very dull. Patrols were long and uneventful. Of course, Sully was thankful that all the citizens of Ylisse were safe, but she wouldn't have minded a little bit of action.

She got very bored while surveying the area, and there was nothing to do. Talking with her partner might have been an option, but conversations quickly grew stressful.

When talking with that moron, Vaike, Sully could feel her brain dying. At the very least, he made a good training dummy, but an annoying training dummy at that. He just wouldn't shut up. And then he had the stupidity and arrogance to adopt that stupid nickname: "Teach", using it to refer to himself in the third person. As if Vaike could ever teach anybody anything worthwhile. His cockiness only made Sully want to hit him even more.

Miriel would have been a fine option, but Sully could barely ever understand what in the hell she was talking about. That, and, even if she _could_, by some miracle, understand her, the topics of their conversations never really interested her. All Miriel could talk about was her experiments in her lab with potions and whatnot. Sully couldn't blame her for having a hobby, but, frankly, talking about her experiments was infinitely less interesting than seeing them in person.

Stahl at the very least had a good amount of brains – enough that Sully didn't want to beat the crap out of him, and not so much that she could still understand him. However, more often than not, all of their conversations ended up on the topic of food. The culinary arts were one of Sully's lesser interests, which she was sure everybody could tell from the last time she had tried to cook, so she never took much interest in what he had to say. Instead, she would normally drift off, thinking about other things.

Kellam seemed like an interesting guy, but Sully could never find him. He was a good soldier, and had at least a slight amount of presence on the battlefield, but, even when they were on patrols together, Sully had trouble finding him. It was unnerving at times.

Even when not patrolling, Sully had had trouble with conversations

Maribelle was a pain. Sully didn't even need to try to speak to her – and she rarely ever did – in order to get into a conversation with her. All she needed to do was be there, and act like herself. Before long, Maribelle would come along, blustering about how she was behaving like a boorish troglodyte, whatever the hell that meant. Sully wished she could say that Lissa's absence was the cause of this, but Maribelle was nearly always like this.

Sumia, despite being an incredibly kind woman, could also be described as annoying at times. Whenever it came to Chrom, she would not stop worrying. And when Sumia worried, she would not shut up.

It had been a few days since Chrom, Frederick, and Lissa had left to visit that village. It was a reasonable amount of time, but Sumia wouldn't stop worrying.

Sully had originally been travelling with Chrom towards the village, but at the border of Ylisstol, Chrom had somehow persuaded her to turn back. He had said something about how the gang back at base would need more help, and that their mission would be nothing difficult. Frederick wouldn't allow either of the two royal siblings out of his sight, so Sully was the only option to get sent back.

Still, none of Sumia's worrying was anything new. Sumia had been worrying about Chrom since day one. One day, Sully had finally lost her temper, and had asked the woman to shut up, and then Sumia burst into tears. She wouldn't come out of her room until Sully apologized, after which Sumia returned to her usual, Chrom-worried, clumsy self. At least she wasn't crying.

Sully had desperately needed to get away from all that. So, after hearing Sumia complain for what could've been the hundredth time, Sully had taken it upon herself to go and check up on Chrom herself.

She left as soon as she could, packing only a small amount of food, her weapons, and some gold.

It had felt good to ride her horse again, feeling the wind on her face as she quickly left everything behind. She couldn't remember when she felt like this before.

After a few days, she had reached the village. It was a small place, and had apparently been set on fire recently.

That was _not _good.

Fortunately, it had apparently been saved by a man with blue hair, a walking pile of armour, a little girl in a yellow dress, a man in a large, dark, coat, and another man who had ended the fight by killing the head of the barbarians.

Sully knew who those first three were: Chrom, Lissa, and Frederick. She should've known that they'd be perfectly safe with that overprotective knight watching over them. But who were those other two men?

She sighed. Sometimes Chrom was too trusting for his own good. Clearly, he had just inducted two knew men into the Shepherds.

Still, they sounded like good fighters. Even better, they sounded like they were smarter and less obnoxious than Vaike, though pretty much everybody fell into that category.

Knowing perfectly well that Chrom and the gang would be sleeping somewhere outside of town, no doubt because of Frederick, Sully decided to grab a quick bite to eat at a restaurant, and find them.

She stopped at a nearby restaurant called "Mick & Donald's". Apparently, this was where most of the battle had taken place, which showed. The place looked pretty beaten up, but nobody was letting that get in the way of business. Sully liked that.

While eating, Sully had tried to get more details on what had happened during the battle. None of the villagers could actually say for themselves what had happened. They were too busy being evacuated by Frederick. It was a shame. Sully had wanted to learn more about these new Shepherds.

While eating, she noticed that one man was leering at her from across the room. In any other circumstance, she would've given him a piece of her mind, but she wanted to get to Chrom, Lissa, and Frederick as soon as possible.

It had been too long since she had talked with people who didn't drive her crazy.

So, she quickly left the restaurant, and walked her horse out of town.

It wasn't very cold out, but it was very dark out. The stars in the sky barely illuminated anything, allowing Sully to just barely see anything in front of her.

This made the huge amount of fire appearing out of the sky even more noticeable.

First, Sully felt the ground shaking, which encouraged her to pick up her pace. But when the fire started falling out of the sky, she was so stunned that she stopped moving. The forest was on fire. **The forest was on fire. **

_**WHERE THE BLOODY HELL DID THAT FIRE COME FROM?!**_

After taking a few seconds to register what had happened, Sully jumped on her horse, grabbed her lance, and rode off into the forest, ready to help the Shepherds from whatever the hell had caused this.

Eventually, she had found a group of people fighting these… creatures. They were ugly as a… well, frankly, nothing that could be put at the end of that sentence would do these creatures any justice. Sully was thinking of ugly as a pig's leavings, but frankly, these things were pretty ugly.

Not that Sully had time to think about just how ugly they were. Whatever the hell they were, they had weapons, and knew enough that to kill someone you had to put the sharp part in them.

She had ridden into the fray, "Captain Chrom! Wait, I'm coming!" she took a look at the battlefield. Things weren't looking so good for the Shepherds. "…Agh, I knew I shouldn't'a left 'em. All right, you ash-faced freaks! Which one of ya wants to try my lance on for size first?! I know just the spot for it – shoved right up your-"

She was interrupted before she could finish.

"Hold, milady!"

Sully took a look at where the voice had come from. Some fancy-man with grey hair was holding a bow, with a quiver strapped to his back, yet he did not seem at all interested in fighting these monsters. In fact, he did not seem at all shocked at the sudden appearance of these hideous… things.

"Muh?" was all Sully could utter, confused by what was happening.

"Life may be long, but attraction is fleeting! Would you leave me in your sweet dust? Leave war to the warriors, dear bird! A beauty such as you need only wage love."

Was this another sexist ass that thought women were only good for cooking and putting on dresses, who was going to convince himself that he was a better fighter than her?! Sully had dealt with enough of men like these throughout her life.

"…The hell are you?!"

"Ha! Is the lady intrigued? Of course you are – it's only natural," Sully was already sick of this cocky bastard. "I am myth and legend! I am he who strides large across history's greatest stage!" this guy's repeated use of poetic words made a conversation with Vaike almost seem bearable. "The man who puts the "arch" in "archer"! I am, dear lady, Vi-"

Sully didn't have to listen to this. She had work to do. "Sorry, Ruffles – no time for this. Onward!" she started her horse into a run at the enemy.

"Virion! …Er, my name. It's Virion. W-wait! Where are you going? Pray, at least tell me your name!"

Reluctantly, Sully made her horse take a few trots back, determining that this "Virion" wouldn't leave her alone until she complied. "I'm Sully." The man didn't seem satisfied by this answer alone. "…And I'm a Shepherd."

""Sully"! How divine! A starkly beautiful name, as befits its owner, truly. Will you marry me, my dearest Sully?"

The first word that came to Sully's mind was "What", followed shortly by a "the hell". This man had only just learned her name, and was proposing to her? All of a sudden, she recognized Virion. He was the man who was leering at her at that restaurant. She wondered if they served any alcohol there, because this man was clearly drunk (this would also explain the way he spoke).

"Will I what now? Oh, I get it… This is a joke. And when I put my boot through your face – that's the punch line." Sully took her horse a bit closer to Virion, readying her boot.

"I realize my manly figure and noble bearing can be overwhelming. 'Tis common! So please, don't feel pressured to answer right a-"

"How's THIS for an answer?!" Sully yelled, as she slammed her boot into Virion's stomach.

"OOF!" Virion managed to choke, before doubling over the ground in pain. "G-goodness, but those shapely legs certainly can kick, can't they…" he grumbled, as he picked himself off of the ground. "P-please, milady! Allow me to accompany you, at least! Mine is a cold, empty world without you. I shall be your most willing servant, and you, in turn, will give my life purpose…"

She sighed. "Fine…" Sully would never turn down a fighter to help her in this situation, even if he was an annoying fighter. Besides, if he decided to join the Shepherds, she could use him as a training dummy when Vaike's tired. "Anything to shut you up." She turned her horse around, hoping to be ready to finally enter combat. She turned around, and looked at the archer, only to find his eyes glued to her. "…What? Stop staring at me like that!"

Sully kicked, and her horse dashed into battle. This was going to be fun.

* * *

**AN: Well, portraying Sully proved to be harder than I had originally thought. My first impression of her when playing the game was that she had a short temper, and I think I put to much of that into this.  
****I'm planning to do at least one of these per playable character, maybe or maybe not including the Spotpass characters. Any suggestions or things I should fix, tell me! Bye!**


	5. Chapter 5 The Masked Hero

This is ridiculous. The amount of enemies we have to fight is just insane. Plus, given that this is the real deal, I have actual endurance and stamina to run out of. If it weren't for Marth, we'd probably all be dead by now.

It doesn't help that Sully and Virion had to take so long to get into battle-mode. In the game, their whole conversation didn't seem that long, given the fact that no units were able to initiate battle during it, but, frankly, that talk is just silly when there are people fighting for their lives in the background.

Oh, well. At least they're fighting now, and, I must say, their help is greatly needed. All of us were getting tired, and we probably wouldn't have been able to hold the Risen off much longer.

I remind myself not to speak of the word "Risen", until the next chapter, after that council has decided on an official name for them. That would raise too many questions.

Somehow, I got stuck with the job of protecting Lissa. Robin probably thought that I did a good job at protecting her last time, or something.

"How you holding up back there?" I ask Lissa, after cutting an archer. I feel no guilt killing undead monsters that only have it out for me for the sake of having it out for me.

"Oh, you know!" She's still pretty freaked out over the whole nearly - getting - chopped - up - by - a - zombie - and - saved - by - a - random - stranger - with - a - mask - who - came - out - of - a - giant - eye - in - the - sky thing.

I stick out my arm, pronounce an incantation, and blast some lightning at an axe-wielding monster that was running at me. This brings up another mechanic that seems nonexistent in this world – tomes breaking. In fact, the entire tome seems to be mostly on the history of whatever it's about, with the first page being the actual incantation.

These things freak me out. Killing slow, unarmed zombies that just whack you on the head – that's one thing. But being attacked by these screaming, quick, axe-swinging creatures is an entirely different story. Honestly, this was the entire reason I never played Call of Duty: Zombies at night. I was too much of a pussy – those screaming zombies scared the shit out of me.

I take a look at how everyone else is doing, as Lissa and I advance towards a nearby fort. Frederick is defending Virion – Robin more than likely told him to do that – Chrom and Robin are cutting through a small group of Risen. I throw a lightning bolt into the fray, knocking over an archer.

Sully is just riding around, stabbing anything that moves. I guess Robin hasn't had much time to give her any orders, and even if he did, I doubt she'd listen to them. She doesn't really know that Robin is the new tactician.

"Where should I stab you?!" I hear her scream, just before critically hitting a Risen. Damn, that is one of the best lines ever…

This makes me want to recite some awesome quote, right now. But, I promised myself to not solely quote Dante. I quickly try to think of somebody else.

A screaming Risen catches my attention. I duck under its axe, and then slash upwards with my sword.

_Well, now's the time for that quote!_

"You are a chicken from the kitchen!"

…_What the actual fuck was that?_

_Parappa the Rapper?_

_You are _NEVER, EVER _quoting Parappa the Rapper again, do you understand?!_

I look around.

_Please don't let anyone have heard that… Shit._

Sure enough, out of all the people who could've heard that, it had to be Lissa. She's on the ground laughing her ass off.

"What the heck was that?!" she manages to choke after gasping for air. "A chicken from the kitchen?!" she continues laughing.

"Look, just… shut up. Okay?" I say, raising my arms in defense, but then drop them in defeat.

I turn my attention back to the fighting. The Risen are definitely running lower on numbers.

_Wait… What's that big blob? I…think it's coming towards me. Yeah, it's coming towards me. It's right at my feet. Should I do something about it?_

A human-like figure starts rising about of the goo.

_Oh, right! It's the Entombed. They give a lot of experience! I wonder if I've levelled up yet… I hope my stats growths are – CONCENTRATE, LUCAS! You're lucky you haven't been hit yet!  
…Wait, why haven't I been hit yet? Is it…is that thing still raising its arm? Damn, these things move really slow… I wonder if – _

_**OH, SHIT! THAT HURT! GOOD GOD! **_

_Yikes… No wonder they take so long to – _

_**AUUGGGH! DAMMIT, LUCAS! STOP LETTING IT HIT YOU! FOR FUCK'S SAKE, JUST CUT ITS FUCKING HEAD OFF!**_

As soon as the Entombed dissolves, I feel something surge through me. I can only assume that I just levelled up. About bloody time, too. I wonder what stats I gained…

"You all right?!" Lissa asks.

I rotate some of my joints, and stretch a bit. "Yeah, I think I'm fine."

I go back to chopping and electrocuting Risen.

After a little while, it looks like it's down to the Risen Chief. I know that it's the Risen Chief, because it actually took time before attacking Chrom to give its pre-battle quote: "Ryaargh!" It also has that really long hair that Risen Chiefs seem to have.

It throws its axe at Chrom, which easily gets knocked away by some of my lightning. Heh. Now it's defenceless. Chrom dashes over, and cuts the Risen in two.

"Nnh…aaagh…" it manages to groan, before it turns to dust.

* * *

"It seems the creatures are vanquished. This young man has taken care of the others," Frederick announces.

"….." I already know who this guy is, but Marth still creeps me out just a little bit with the whole silent act.

"Um, I never got to thank you…for before. So…thank you. You were very brave." Lissa says, while curtsying.

I resist the urge to yell at her that I had also saved her life, and had never gotten a "thank you". There will be time for yelling at her later.

Chrom steps forward, "You saved my sister's life. My name is Chrom. Might I ask yours?"

"You may call me Marth," the look-alike says. I now notice that this person's hair is much shorter compared to Lucina's. When her mask breaks, I'm going to need to pay attention to see if her hair just decides to grow longer.

"Marth? After the heroic king of old? You certainly fight like a hero. Where did you learn your way with the sword?" Chrom already seems like he's thinking of recruiting this guy into the Shepherds. That opportunity will come later.

"I'm not here to talk about me. This world teeters at the brink of a horrible calamity. What you saw tonight was but a prelude. You have been warned." Marth turns around, and begins to walk away.

Lissa jumps at this. "Huh? What's teetering where now? Hey, wait!"

"Not one for conversation, is he?" Robin observes.

"It appears his skills lie elsewhere. I wager we'll see him again…" Frederick says. "But for now I'm more concerned about the capital. We should make haste."

I try not to say anything, but I can't help it. "Huh?! B-but… what about sleep?!" The only reason I didn't go to sleep earlier this night was because I was worried about this fight, and I assumed we would be able to sleep afterwards! I wish I'd paid better attention to the minor details in this game…

Sully slaps me on the back. "C'mon, kid. You could use the exercise! Besides, if you're that tired, I'll let you ride on my horse for part of the way!"

I turn to her. "Thank you. I owe you forever."

We begin the arduous journey to Ylisse.

I am _never_ neglecting my sleep again.

* * *

**AN: Well, here we are. The first time I heard Parappa say that line, I had to ask how he could not be embarrassed when he said it. What is it supposed to mean?!  
Once again, anything suggestions or things I should fix, don't hesitate to let me know! Thanks!**


	6. Chapter 6 Ylisstol

I open my eyes. The world is upside down, and bouncy. Unfortunately, I can honestly say that I've woken up in stranger situations.

"What's going on?" I ask.

Lissa looks at me. "Oh, you're awake! You fell asleep onto the ground while walking, so we tied you to Sully's horse!"

"All right, then," I reply. I wait for a minute. "…Is somebody going to help me down?"

Chrom answers me, "Nope. We already stopped once to tie you onto the horse – we're not going to stop again to untie you!"

"Fair enough. Could you at least untie me when we get to wherever it is we're going?"

Chrom looks at Sully. Apparently, this is her decision, probably because it's her horse.

"I'll think about it," she answers.

This is pretty uncomfortable, and I'm starting to get dizzy. Still, I seem to be functioning all right, for now.

"Why did you put me on my back? You could've put me on my stomach. That probably would have been more comfortable."

"Yeah, that's the reason we put you on your back," Sully responds, smirking.

I let a couple of minutes pass by.

"Hey, Lissa, can I ask you something?"

She walks over. "Sure. What is it?"

"I think you owe me a thank you. You thanked that Marth guy when he saved your life. I saved your life earlier, but you never thanked me!" I say, smirking.

Lissa pouts. "Yeah, but you pushed me to the ground!"

"Would you rather be on the ground with or without a head on your shoulders?"

She sighs. "Fine, but you never thanked me for saving you! If it weren't for me, that axe would've been the death of you!"

I laugh. "All right, fine, thank you for healing me, Lissa."

She smiles. "You're welcome. And, thank you for saving me!"

I turn my head both ways, looking for Frederick. "And thank you, Freddy, for saving me from that axe-man."

He raises an eyebrow, but I see a tiny smile on his face. I imagine that Chrom and Lissa don't thank him as often as they should. "Er… It was nothing." Evidently, he doesn't entirely approve of his newly assigned nickname. That's too bad, because there is no way I am going to stop calling him that.

* * *

If there's one thing that video games don't need, it's realistic waiting time. It takes at least an hour _after _I wake up for us to get to Ylisstol.

"So this is Ylisstol, capital of Ylisse…" I hear Robin say. "I've never seen so many people!"

I have to agree with him on this. This place is really crowded. There are people everywhere, buying things in the market, and I think I see at least five generic female villagers, and six of the male ones. Of course, it is hard to see much at the angle I'm at.

I think I see Virion dashing into the crowd, chasing some woman. He gets an odd look from her, and she runs away. Before he can run after her, Sully grabs him, and slings him over her shoulder. "Listen, you! You're a Shepherd now, so you'd better behave like one!" she walks over to us. "I'll take this nutcase over to camp. See you there!"

"Good-bye!" Chrom yells after her.

"It appears the capital was spared the chaos we encountered, thank the gods." Freddy observes. "I see no evidence of the great quake. It must've been limited to the forest."

"Well, that's a relief!" Lissa cuts in.

A crusty old voice yells, "Look! The exalt has come to see us!"

Sure enough, here comes Emmeryn and the royal guard. She is standing tall, with her long, blonde hair parted to reveal the Mark of the Exalt on her forehead, while she holds up her hand, greeting the villagers.

"The exalt is your ruler, yes?" Robin inquires.

"Yes. Her name is Lady Emmeryn," Freddy answers.

"Is it safe for her to walk among commoners like this?"

"The exalt is a symbol of peace – Ylisse's most prized quality," Freddy begins to explain. "Long ago, at the dawn of our age, the fell dragon tried to destroy our world. But the first exalt joined forces with the diving dragon and laid the beast low. Exalt Emmeryn reminds us all of the peace we fought for then."

"Do you recite that every night before you go to sleep, or something, Freddy?" I butt in. The blood seems to be going to my head, since I'm acting a tad impulsive like this.

Chrom cuts in before Freddy can respond, "With Plegia poking at our borders, the people need her. She's a calming presence, when some might otherwise call for war."

"Then the Ylissean people are indeed lucky to have her," Robin says.

"She's also the best big sister anyone could ask for!" Lissa giggles.

"Yes, I imagine she… Wait, what? She's your… But wouldn't that make you and Chrom…" Robin stutters, slowly figuring out who he's been travelling with.

"The prince and princess of the realm, yes. You remember Chrom's name, yet not this?" Freddy says, helping Robin out. This, evidently, strengthens his suspicions he had about us.

"You said you were "shepherds"!"

"And so we are…in a manner of speaking. We just have a LOT of sheep," says Chrom.

"C-Chrom… I mean, Prince Chrom! Sire! Please forgive me dreadful manners!" Robin says, taking a knee.

"I'd bow as well, Prince Chrom, but I'm already head over heels for you!" I cut in. I hope somebody got that, because this is probably the only time in the history of anything that I'll ever be able to make that pun.

Chrom laughs. "Just Chrom is fine. I've never been much for formalities."

"The prince and princess… That explains why Frederick puts up with all the teasing, eh?"

"Indeed," Freddy says, "Oh, the sacrifices I've made for the good of the realm…"

"It seems like Emm is returning to the palace. Would you like to meet her?" Chrom asks.

"W-would I…?! I-it would be an honour!" Robin stutters.

"How about you, Lucas?" Lissa asks me.

"I'd love to," I reply. "…Does this mean I'm finally going to get off of this horse?"

Chrom smiles. "I think we can allow a horse into the castle this one time.

* * *

We're now at the palace gates. The soldiers there salute us as we pass by. "Prince Chrom! You've returned!"

"So I've noticed…" Chrom replies. Man, he _really _isn't a fan of formalities, is he?

We begin walking past, but they stop us when they notice Lissa pulling me and the horse.

"Er… Sire! There's a stable in the back for this horse and… um… this man!" one guard remarks.

"Sup?" I ask nonchalantly.

"Just let him in, please," Chrom says.

Emmeryn and Phila (I'm pretty sure that's her name) are standing in the throne room as we step in.

"Chrom! Lissa! Welcome home! Oh, and good day, Frederick!" Emmeryn greets her siblings and their knight. She doesn't notice me yet, but I already see Phila giving me an odd look. "How fared you all?"

"Well," Chrom starts, "we shouldn't have any bandit problems for a while."

"Wonderful. And our people?"

"Safe as they can be, Emm. But we still need to watch the borders. The brigands crossed over from Plegia."

Now it's Phila's turn to speak. "Forgive me, milord. My Pegasus knights should have intercepted them."

"No, Phila (Yes! I was right!). Your duty was here, with the exalt." Chrom says, reassuring her.

"And besides," Lissa says, looking at me and Robin, "we had plenty of help!"

"Ah, you speak of your new companions here?" Emmeryn starts. When she sees me, she raises an eyebrow. "Er… Beg pardon, but why is that man upside down, and tied to a horse?"

"Oh, don't mind me," I say, grinning like a maniac. "I woke up like this!" Evidently, I don't care if this woman's royalty or not. I speak to everybody the same. I think too much of my blood's getting to my head…

Chrom chuckles. "It's a long story."

"No, it's not!" I interrupt. "Four legs were more efficient than two legs when it came to transporting me here!"

"This is Lucas," Chrom says, gesturing to me, "and this is Robin," he says, motioning to him, obviously. "They fought bravely with us against the brigands. I've decided to make them Shepherds."

"It sounds as though Ylisse owes you a debt of gratitude, Lucas and Robin."

"Not at all, milady!" Robin says.

It greatly outclasses my simple "No prob."

"Forgive me, Your Grace, but I must speak," Frederick cuts in. "These two both claim two have lost their memories, but it is only that: a claim. We cannot rule out the possibility that they are brigands themselves, or Plegian spies."

Fuck you too, Freddy.

"Frederick!" Chrom scolds.

"Yet you allowed them into the castle, Chrom? Do these men have your trust?" Emm speaks.

"Yes. They risked their lives for our people. That's good enough for me."

"Well then, Robin… Lucas… It seems you have earned Chrom's faith, and as such you have mine as well."

"Milady," Robin says, once again upstaging me, while I merely say "Sweet."

"But thank you, Frederick, for your prudence, as always," Emmeryn smiles at him. "Chrom and Lissa are blessed to have so tireless a guardian. I do hope they remember to mention that from time to time…"

"They occasionally express something akin to gratitude, Your Grace," Freddy sighs. "Phila, I assume you've heard about the deathly creatures we've encountered, yes?"

"Yes, milord," Phila replies. "They've been sighted all across Ylisse."

"Chrom, we are about to hold council. I was hoping you could join us," Emmeryn says.

"Of course."

"I think that's our cue, Robin and Lucas! C'mon, there's a place I want to show you two!" Lissa yells, grabbing Sully's horse by the reins, and pulling me out, leaving Robin to hurry after us.

"Onward, human! Ride like the wind!" I yell. I think I'm starting to lose it.


	7. Chapter 7 Shepherds

My head is aching like hell. Lissa's moving the horse too fast, resulting in my head bouncing way too much for my liking. At first, I was pretty okay with it, but that's changed now. I want to tell her to stop, but I'm afraid that if I open my mouth I'll puke.

Finally, the horse stops. _Thank god! _I suppose that means we're finally at the garrison. That took way too long.

"Here we are! The Shepherds' garrison!" I hear Lissa squeak. "Go on, make yourself at home."

I start, "I'd gladly do that, if somebody were to-"

"Lissa, my treasure! Are you all right? I've been on pins and needles!" Is that Maribelle? Yeah, of course it is, she's the one who's always worried about Lissa...

"Oh, hey, Maribelle!"

""Oh hey" yourself! I've sprouted 14 gray hairs worrying about you!" That is…disturbingly exact. For the love of god, I hope that she doesn't actually count her gray hairs.

"Aw, you worry too much! I can handle a battle or two!" Lissa says, smiling. "…Although I could do without the bugs and bear barbecue…"

"Look, could somebody _please _just-" I try to ask.

"Hey, squirt! Where's Chrom?" Aaaaand here's Vaike. I always liked him – he was funny. I'll have to try to make sure he doesn't die. "I bet he had a rough time without ol' Teach and his trusty axe!"

"Oh, so you're "Teach" now, Vaike, is that it?" Lissa giggles. "And here I thought people were just born lacking wits. It can be taught?"

"Ha! Never doubt the Vaike!" Ah, Vaike. You poor, lovable, muscular, moron. "…Wait, was that an insult?"

"I am getting _very _uncomfortable he-" I don't even know why I try anymore.

"Beg pardon, but when might we see the captain?" And, here comes Sumia.

"Poor Sumia, she's simply been beside herself with concern…" Maribelle says. "Her eyes were scanning the horizon all day during training." Yeah, Sumia definitely has a thing for Chrom. "…She might have earned fewer bruises fighting blindfolded." Though Maribelle's personality doesn't seem to likable at first, I just love her wit.

"Aw, Sumia, that's so sweet of you to worry about Chrom," Lissa says.

"Worry? Well, I… He's our captain and our prince – of course I'd worry!" Yeah, nice try, Sumia. We all know about your crush. You do a terrible job at hiding it.

"So, who're the strangers?" Vaike asks.

"FINALLY! SOMEBODY NOTICES ME! COULD YOU _PLEASE _UNTIE ME FROM-"

"No one's stranger than you, Vaike…" Am I ever going to get to speak? "But allow me to introduce Robin! He's just joined the Shepherds. Chrom's made him our new tactician. You should see all the tricks he's got up his sleeve!" Lissa gets all excited, causing Robin to step backwards a bit.

"Oh yeah? Can he do this?" Vaike says, just before letting out a huge burp.

"I'm sure I have much to learn in the belching arts, "Teach". In any case, it's a pleasure to make your acquaintances," Robin says.

"Ugh! Vaike! That was abhorrent! Must you baseborn oafs pollute even the air with your buffoonery?" Even though I don't enjoy her calling us "baseborn", I can't say that I don't want to react in a similar manner. "And you, Robin! Don't encourage him! I'd hoped you were cut from a finer cloth! Hmph!"

"Er… My apologies, Maribelle," Robin says.

"Hmph!" Maribelle grunts again, turning her head away from him. "Well, whose the screaming stranger tied to the horse?" she asks.

"FINALLY! SOMEBODY PLEASE LET ME DOWN FROM HERE!"

"This is Lucas!" Lissa squeaks. "Chrom's also made him a Shepherd! He's also a great fighter!"

"Yes, yes, all those compliments are very good – but if you could just-"

"Why is he tied to that horse?" Sumia asks.

"Oh, well, he fell asleep, so we had to tie him to the horse in order to take him here," Lissa explains.

"Well, he certainly sounds awake," Maribelle asks. "Shall we untie him?"

Lissa shrugs.

"Please… Help me…" I beg.

Maribelle sighs, and walks over to me. She begins untying the ropes. I fall on my head, inflicting even more pain on it than it already has.

"Thank you!" I practically scream. "You are a goddess!" I mustn't be giving a very good first impression to Maribelle – the first thing I say to her is me screaming at her that she's a goddess, while standing on my head, and leaning my legs against a horse.

"Er… Are you okay, Lucas?" Robin asks me.

"Yeah, let me just… try to…" I say as I try to get up on my feet. I nearly fall down, but catch myself on Sully's horse. "So… dizzy…."

"Lucas, can you stand on your own?" Lissa asks.

I try, letting go of the horse. I fall flat on my face.

"…No…"

I sit up, rubbing my head. This situation is all too familiar. Before you know it, somebody's going to be slapping me right in the –

I'm flat on my back.

My face stings.

I get back up instantly, "Who did that?!"

Lissa's laughing her ass off. "I'm sorry, I just couldn't help it! This is _just _like when we found you in that field!"

"That's no reason to slap me, you little brat!"

"Okay, I'm sorry! But it helped get you out of your dizzy spell! Just look at you!"

I look down. I'm on my feet. Okay, maybe that did work.

Just as I look back up, another hand makes contact with my face, and I'm back on my ass.

"Okay, seriously?! This is getting way too old!"

This time, it's Maribelle who's standing over me.

"How dare you call Lissa a little brat?!" she shrieks at me. "Hmph!" she storms out of the room.

Sumia breaks in, "Don't take it to heart, Lucas. Maribelle warms to people slowly, and she's really quite overprotective of Lissa."

"Or, she burns too quickly!" Lissa giggles. "But yeah, just give her time."

Sully walks in, now, which is strange, because, if I remember correctly, Chrom was supposed to walk in, causing Sumia to fall flat on her face. I suppose that the council is taking pretty long, and that waiting times are much longer than they were in the game.

"Hey! Did I _say _you could get off of my horse?" She yells at me, grinning.

"Maribelle decided not to be cruel," I say, picking myself up, and brushing myself off.

This catches Sully's interest. "You mean she actually likes you?"

Before I can answer, Lissa cuts in, "Nope! She actually slapped him, and knocked him onto the ground!" She puts on her evil grin. "You may want to try it sometime!"

I squint at her. "I hate you."

Desperate to change the subject, I turn to Sully, "So, what exactly did you do with Mr. Fancy-pants?"

"He's in the stables, tending to the horses."

"He hasn't asked any of them to marry him, has he?" Robin cuts in, smirking.

"I wouldn't be surprised…" Sully mutters.

Chrom finally steps in. Sumia gets a bit too excited.

"Ah! Captain! You've returned! I was – I mean, we were so -" Aaaaaaand she's on her face.

She groans, and picks herself up, and brushes her skirt.

"Sumia! Are you all right!" Chrom yells. "…Those boots of yours again?"

"No!" Here is honest Sumia. "I mean, yes!" Here is not-wanting-to-look-bad-in-front-of-her-crush Sumia. "I mean…" She sighs. Here is giving-up Sumia.

"All right, listen, everyone: in the morning, we'll be marching to Regna Ferox." Chrom announces.

"Regna Ferox?" Robin asks.

"A unified kingdom to Ylisse's north. Inhabited by barbarians, or so it's said." Sumia explains.

"Warriors are what they are," Chrom begins to explain, "and we'll need their strength to quell this new menace. Typically, the exalt would request aid in person. But given recent events… Well, the people might worry, should my sister suddenly leave the capital. So, the task has been passed to us." Chrom takes a look at everyone. "Now, this mission is strictly voluntary. So, if for any-"

"I volunteer!" Lissa shouts.

"Me too!" Vaike yells. "You'll be needin' ol' Teach along for such a delicate mission!" That grammar…

I think I hear another voice, but I'm not quite sure. Oh, right, it's Kellam. I'm going to need to talk to him some time. I like him. "…What? I've been here the whole time!" Yeah, I definitely heard that.

"I… I, um…" Sumia stutters.

"Yes, Sumia?" Chrom asks.

"It's just that… I'm not sure I'm quite ready for a proper mission just yet. I'd probably just get in the way."

"Well, you could just stay behind the main group, and if a battle is met, just watch and learn?" I question how safe that would actually be. I'm pretty sure that being _in _a battle would probably be safer than just sitting somewhere and watching – what if an arrow or fire ball just flew at her? Unless, she was watching from so far away that she could barely see anything, but that would just defeat the whole purpose… "Your choice, of course. But some lessons can only be learned on the battlefield."

"W-well, if you think it wise, Captain."

"Just stay by me, and you'll be fine." This brings three questions to my mind. One: Does he also have a thing for Sumia? Two: Why did she never stay by him in the game, until that time she saved him? Three: I thought the plan was for her to stay out of battle?

"Oh, yes! I mean – Yes, sir, I'll do that!"

* * *

Lissa shows me to what is apparently my room.

"Well, this room's yours!" she announces proudly.

"How many rooms does this place have?" I ask, taking a good look around.

Lissa shrugs. "To be honest, I've never really counted. Let's just say a lot."

This room's nice. There's a bed, lots of space, and even a mirror near the door. I take a look in it, and am shocked by the stranger looking back at me.

First off, there's the fact that I look like a cartoon character. I suppose I should have seen this coming, given that everyone else was a cartoon character – thank god, I don't think half of these people would look any good in my world.

This brings to my mind a lot of confusion regarding the second and third dimensions. Everything looks two-dimensional and flat, yet I have depth perception. Maybe this is because this game has a 3-D mode?

…That is the single worst joke I've ever made in my head.

Secondly, I look at three years older – like I'm in my 20s. I have a little bit of a beard – I'm going to need to shave that later.

I also notice that I'm wearing a plain red t-shirt and jeans, while wearing Nike shoes, and a pair of black socks.

Other than that, everything else appears to be the same. My eyes are still the brown that they were, and my hair is still short, straight, and brown.

Lissa notices my confused look. "Can't recognize yourself, huh?"

My hand feels my new beard, and I shake my head, "Nope." I look down at my clothes. "I don't suppose I could get some new clothes, could I? You know, maybe something more fit for battle."

Lissa tilts her head, curiously. "Your clothes seem fine, other than the fact that they look really weird…" Hey, I could say a thing or two about that dress, girly! "I mean, take a look at Vaike! He barely wears anything above the waist, and he fights pretty well."

I shrug. "Vaike can be as reckless as he wants. _I_, on the other hand, would like to survive any upcoming battles we may have."

"Well, we have a bunch of extra armour and weapons in the armory. You should go have a look there!"

* * *

Lissa definitely wasn't lying when she said that. There is so much armour here that I don't even know where to begin looking. Since I've decided that I am a Dread Fighter, I decide to go with that look.

I get all the armour that I need, which took much longer than I had expected, grab a scabbard for my sword, and put it on my back, and grab another one for an iron axe that I also found in the armory. I take a good look at myself in the mirror.

I look freaking awesome.

I head back to my room, and take off the armour, preferring the comfort of my regular clothes over this heavy stuff.

With little else to do, I decide to go the magic training room, (that's right, they have two separate training rooms, one for magic practice, and one for standard cutting-people practice) and practice some magic. The place is empty, because the only other person who attacks with magic is Miriel, and she's out on some mission with Stahl. I pick up a fire tome, and attempt to commit its incantation to memory. Given all the obscure noises that it has, this takes well over an hour – the lightning tome was much simpler.

I notice something similar about the fire and lightning incantations. The last syllable is the same. I suppose that this is the syllable that sends the ball of energy flying.

Just to test this out, I recite the fire incantation, save for the last syllable. Sure enough, the ball of fire stays in my hand. This'll be useful in Regna Ferox, since I'm probably going to freeze, otherwise.

I decide to experiment with something. With the ball of fire in my hand, I recite the lightning incantation, once again stopping just before the last syllable.

I stare at my hand. In it is a mixture of fire and lightning, which is really quite freaky. But, in an oddly beautiful way. I wonder if this makes it more powerful, or something.

I direct my hand at the training dummies which are apparently safe to practice magic on, and utter the last syllable. The ball goes flying, and when it makes contact with the dummy, it's _me _who gets sent flying backwards, into the wall. As soon as I touch the ground, I keel over, and fall on my hands and knees. I put myself into a sitting position, and lean against the wall.

I take a look at the training dummy. It's been smashed to smithereens. I _definitely _need to remember that spell.

I hear footsteps come rushing towards the room.

"What in the blazes was that noise?!" I hear Maribelle shriek.

"That would be me," I say, raising my hand.

Maribelle takes a good look at the damage I've done. "Well, you… what exactly did you do?"

"I'm not sure myself," I lie. I still want to keep this a secret, revealing it in the most epic way possible. I'm not normally one for theatrics, but I'm also not normally one who can throw fireballs at people.

"Well, you've damaged the training dummy, so I suppose you'll have to pay for it!" Maribelle protests.

"Could you… help me out here? I kind of got sent flying into the wall, and every part of me aches."

She sighs, and walks over to me, pulling out a staff. "Well, at the very least, you'll be able to serve well, defending Chrom and Lissa," she says as she moves the glowing staff around me.

I groan in satisfaction. "That feels sooo good…" It feels MUCH better than Lissa's healing. I turn to Maribelle. "By the way, sorry for calling Lissa a brat," I figure that I may as well try to not have her hate me. "It was just, you know…" I point to my head, "too much blood to the old noggin".

Maribelle rolls her eyes, "All right, if you truly are sorry, then I suppose I can forgive you." She finishes healing me. "There, all done." She quickly gets up and leaves.

That was much easier than I'd expected.

The rest of the day isn't very eventful. I take a walk around. Get my ass kicked by Sully in training. I eat, while enduring the pain that all of my joints are going through, and while sweating like a diabetic marathon runner. The only plus-sides are that Virion is quite a good cook, and that my bed is warm and comfortable.

It's been a long time since I've been to sleep properly. Last time, sleeping ended up with me getting tied to a horse, and the time before that, sleep somehow coincided with me getting sent to this world.

I lie down in bed, and pray that for once, life can be normal for me.

* * *

**AN: I apologize in advance for the return of the slapping. You are free to - actually, I'm not sorry! And you can't do anything about it!  
So, I've learned that I really need to proof-read these stuff more... So, if you see any typos, don't hesitate to tell me about it!**


	8. Chapter 8 Rapier Intellect

This was an irking predicament. Stahl and Miriel had just returned from their monotonous patrol of a nearby village, only to learn that all the Shepherds, save for Maribelle, and one other man, had departed for an excursion to Regna Ferox.

Ostensibly, the buffoon Vaike had been instructed to inform the two of this expedition. However, entrusting Vaike with orders at that level of complication was akin to entrusting a horse with the task of calculating one's taxes. The dimwit often forgot his own axe when rushing to a battlefield.

Fortunately, Maribelle had been there to clarify the situation to them. Stahl, yearning for a more provocative mission, amply seized a handful of food, and rode off to reach the remainder of the Shepherds. Miriel could easily fathom the reasoning behind Stahl's excitement. The preceding weeks had been incredibly… dull, and a change of pace was more than welcome.

Curiously, there was a stranger in the garrison, also in quite a rush, donning his armour. When Miriel had identified the man, he had been muttering something about a she-devil pouring water on his face. When Miriel made a motion to introduce herself, the man jumped.

"Oh, hello!" the man said, regaining his composure.

"Greetings. May I inquire as to who you may be?" Miriel responded.

"Oh, I'm Lucas! I'm a new Shepherd," the man announced. "…And I'm also going to be late, if I don't hurry!"

Miriel was slightly perplexed. Already, this man had deprived the conversation of the socially acceptable introduction between the two speakers. She knew who the man was, but he most definitely did not know who she was, lest another Shepherd had already informed the man of her.

"Are you aware of whom I am?" Miriel cut in.

The man looked up, struggling with a buckle on his armour. "Oh, sorry, I don't. Er, what is your name?"

Miriel adjusted her glasses, "Miriel."

The man nodded, and immediately returned to his scrambling.

"I assume you are part of Chrom's expedition to Regna Ferox?"

He nodded again, seeming to prefer bodily motions to words.

Miriel sniffed. She desired to learn more about the mysterious stranger whom Chrom had evidently recruited.

"There's a…" the man started, jumping around like a circus monkey. "There are two other new… guys that Chrom recruited. Their names are Virion and Robin," he must have sensed her curiosity at having a new Shepherd in her midst. "The first one's an archer, and the second one… Chrom made him the new tactician."

This intrigued Miriel. It appeared that Chrom had inducted three more men into the Shepherds during that brief patrol of that distant village. Chrom could apparently be very gullible, and Miriel believed that a small dose of Frederick's paranoia could not harm the man.

Nonetheless, Miriel was certain that Chrom had at the very least _some _logic behind his recruitment of these three men. She believed that they must have performed some action that proved their selflessness and heroics.

She looked at Lucas. He had apparently equipped himself with the armour similar to that of a Dread Fighter. He ran out of the room, breathing heavily, only being able to mutter a brief "Bye" before departing from the armory.

Miriel began to collect what few of the food that was left in the kitchen, and began to eat in an orderly, yet slightly rushed, fashion. She had informed Stahl of her intention to join the group, and naturally assumed that they would not depart into the freezing depths of Regna Ferox without her. Still, she did not intend to keep them waiting.

* * *

Miriel regretted her decision to recline and take her time as soon as she witnessed the extensive amount of chaos in the distance. As soon as she registered the intensity of the situation at hand, she quickened her pace into a sprint.

"Splendid! It seems I've caught up. Now to extirpate these brutes…" Miriel announced, just before she stepped an axe. "Hmm? Is that an axe? Why yes it is… Perhaps someone mislaid it? I'd not thought such dereliction permissible among the Shepherds. Still, I'd be remiss to not return this implement to its owner. Perhaps along with a stern word or two of disapprobation!"

Miriel had an inkling as to who the owner was. She surveyed the area, and found the brawny oaf watching the bloodshed in disappointment. She began to approach Vaike, and coughed.

"Whoa! My axe!" Vaike shouted.

"I wondered what sort of ignoramus would mislay their weapon. Now I know." She prayed that the oaf could detect her tone of sarcasm.

"Thanks Miriel!" Vaike announced, beaming. "…Er, for the axe, anyway."

"Perhaps next time I'll use a spell to fasten it to your hands…permanently."

She turned and dove into the fray, deserting a confused and stunned Vaike. She pulled out her fire tome, and launched a barrage of fire balls at the grotesque creatures that were assaulting her allies, while keeping an eye out for the new recruits.

She immediately caught notice of a grey-haired archer, who was yelling "Die with magnificence!" If her recollection of the events in the garrison were as precise as she hoped they were, this archer's name was Virion.

She looked around for the new tactician, whom she believed bore the name "Robin". He slashed at one of the creatures, removing its arm. He quickly impaled it with his sword, and pulled his weapon up, cutting the creature in half.

She heard a scream to her left, instantly grabbing her attention. One of the creatures was charging at her, but was quickly dispersed by a lightning bolt from an ally. Miriel looked at you had summoned the bolt, and found Lucas.

"My gratitude," she thanked him.

"No problem," Lucas replied. He frowned at her. "Miriel, right?"

"Indeed."

"Right. Well, you know, stay focused, all right?"

Miriel shot a fireball at the axe-wielding screamer that was about to remove Lucas's head, not once breaking eye contact. She raised her eyebrows at him.

Lucas stood there, devoid of emotion, not even blinking. "Or, you know, just keep doing…that." He turned around and pulled out his sword, and ran at an archer.

One of the creatures was running at Miriel. Miriel opened her tome, and twirled around, readying her magic, "Begone, foul miscreation!"

* * *

**AN: DAMN IT, MIRIEL! WHY MUST YOU MOCK MY VOCABULARY?!  
Yeah, I literally had to have a thesaurus with me when I wrote this, and I still don't think the words are complex enough for Miriel... Ah well. At the very least, I can say that my vocabulary increased a bit... kinda... notreallythere'snowayI'mrememberinganyofthosewords .  
Anyway, that's why this one's pretty short.  
Also, in my world, Stahl and Miriel were away when the Risen's name was announced, so that's why Miriel simply calls them creatures. Just to clarify.  
****So... see ya!**


	9. Chapter 9 Drawing the Line

If you had asked me what I had intended to do with my life before any of this, I would've said, "I'm going to become a zombie killer!" Obviously, I wouldn't have meant it. But, I pretty much _am _a zombie-killer, now, chopping up all of these Risen, which makes my entire outlook on my life infinitely more awesome.

Of course, when there is an awesome thing, there is going to be something to make it a little bit less awesome.

Vaike is a powerhouse, as can be expected. Still, as can also be expected, he is unbelievably reckless. I've had to save his ass at least three times.

"Could you maybe be more careful?!" I shout at him.

"Ha! The Vaike doesn't need any help!"

I glare at him. "Then I suppose you had the situation under control when those three Risen had you completely surrounded?!"

"Er… Yes! It was those Risen who you should've been worried about!"

I roll my eyes. I admit it – his arrogance is starting to annoy me.

"Fine! You don't need my help? Have fun!" I take off, firing a bolt at a far away group of Risen, deciding to take care of them.

_Great, now they're running at you. Take out sword, jump and spin, aaaand… off comes the head! Impale this mage, knock this guy over _–

"Lucas!"

_Come crawling back, eh? Well, I'm a bit busy, you cocky bastard! _

"Help!"

_What's the magic word?_

"Please!"

_That's more like it – turn around, and shoot lightning at the Risen. Cut that guy right behind you, now run to Vaike and help him out!_

I begin to prepare a fire ball in my left hand, while chopping up Risen the axe in my right. I cut two other Risen, and blast the last one with fire.

"You don't need help, huh?" I look at Vaike.

"Er… Well, even the best of us need help at some point or another!" Vaike says, smiling awkwardly.

I sigh. I guess this is as humble as Vaike is going to get, so I should probably be flattered.

Evidently, I'm not exactly in the best of moods. My day has been pretty exhausting so far. I woke up to Lissa dumping freezing water on my face, – I swear, that witch is trying to kill me – telling me that I have to get up quickly and that everybody was leaving without me because I overslept.

This forced me to completely miss my breakfast – something I, haven't done in years – and hurry to get my Dread Fighter armour on.

_Then_, I had to sprint for about a mile on an empty stomach in full armour, only to start fighting for my life by cutting and burning zombies.

I smash open the last Risen's head, and look around. No more Risen. Everybody's moving away, now.

"What the heck was that?!" Vaike yells.

I give him an odd look. "Risen. I thought we'd been over this. I mean, forgetting your own weapon before entering a battlefield is one thing, Vaike, but forgetting–"

"I don't mean that! I mean you leaving me to fend for myself when there was a slight chance that I wouldn't make it out alive!" He's still not even the slightest bit humble.

I sigh. "Sorry, man. I was just…tired, hungry, and kind of pissed off at the world when that happened. But that's no excuse. It won't happen again, 'kay?"

Vaike laughs. "Hah! No problem partner! And don't worry – I'll be watching yer back as well!"

I begin to wonder if this is supposed to be some sort of support conversation. "Thanks." I look at the now empty battlefield. "There's us and the Risen. We survive this by pulling together, not apart."

…That whole "zombie-hunter" thing has me thinking of The Walking Dead, now.

* * *

We're marching, now. I hate marching. And my stomach's still empty.

The one person here who knows my pain is Stahl, so I decide to suffer with him.

"…and it looked so juicy!" he finishes complaining about food. Again.

"I know… Maybe we should talk about something other than food?"

The marching comes to a sudden halt.

Sully comes into view, and passes some apples and sandwiches. "We're taking a break, so could you two quit your complaining?!"

I take a bite out of my apple, and take a look around. There's an empty field over in the distance. Right, this must be the part in the game where Sumia finds her Pegasus.

I finish eating, and decide to walk around. I want to speak with Kellam. He seems like he'd be really normal, if he were only noticeable. I like this, because his unnotice-ability is what makes him noticeable, kind of how Stahl's abnormality is being too normal. If his support conversation with Robin is correct, then you need to squint and tilt your head in order to see him. I try this, and carefully examine the area.

"Er… Excuse me, are you all right?" I hear a voice right beside me. I nearly jump out of my skin.

"Holy crap!" I suppose I should ask him who he is, considering nobody's even mentioned his name to me. "Wh-who are you?!"

"Um… I'm Kellam."

"Oh, hello. I'm… Lucas."

"I know. I was there when Lissa…" he sighs. "Never mind. One thing you should know about me is that I seem to lack presence. Nobody ever seems to notice me, even when I'm in plain sight."

"Oh. Sorry I didn't notice you back there, but I was pretty dizzy at that specific time. Well, until I got slapped, but I was still pretty distracted after that."

"Nah, it's all right. I'm used to it by now. Besides, sometimes it has its uses."

"Just how powerful is your…gift?"

He sighs. "So powerful that, sometimes, I don't even get noticed on the battlefield. Usually, I get noticed after defeating one enemy, but sometimes, that's not the case."

I smile. "That must be pretty useful."

He shrugs. "I admit, sometimes it's pretty useful. But, sometimes I'd like to be more noticeable."

I look him up and down. "You'd think you'd be more noticeable in that huge suit of armour. If this thing is as powerful as you say it is, you should consider taking that suit off, so you can be more agile and silent, like a sword master, or assassin!"

He laughs. "Yeah, well, I suppose I'd need a second seal for that, first." And, just like that, Kellam answers the question I was hoping he would answer. So, people here _do _need the seals in order to change class! "Besides, I like my armour." He looks down at it, and I see a look of longing in his eyes, which is really saying something, since I can barely see his eyes in the first place – he has a serious case of "Brock-syndrome".

"It has sentimental value? Let me guess, your family bought it for you when you decided to take up this particular profession?" I remember reading where he got his armour in some support conversation, but I forget who it was with.

He's smiling now. "My entire village, actually. They got the size a little bit wrong, but…"

I smile. "That's nice. Still, I can't believe that nobody can notice you in that. You look at least as big as Frederick!" I squint. "Maybe we should put bells on you or something?"

"Er… No, thanks." Yeah, that was a pretty odd suggestion.

"Just kidding." I turn around. "Well, I'll see you some other time? I'll keep an eye out for you!"

He smiles. "You'll need at least two."

Thinking about everybody's quirks has got me thinking on how I must stand out. Sure, getting found in the middle of a field with no memory whatsoever is pretty big, but that also happened to Robin, and now he's our tactician! Besides, Panne and Yarne were able to turn into killer rabbits worthy of Monty Python, and I never really held them high in my memory banks.

Oh well. Once I show off my old electric-fire balls, people will easily remember that. I know I shouldn't care so much about this, but, let's face it, acknowledgement is nice.

* * *

Finally, we begin to move again. I was beginning to get really bored, just walking around, looking for nothing in particular.

I look around and find Sumia in the distance, who's tending to her new Pegasus.

"Whoa. Where'd you find that?" I ask, even though I already know the answer. I'm getting a bit tired of having to do this.

"Hm? Oh, hello, Lucas!" She turns back to her Pegasus, with a soft, caring look in her eyes. "I found her trying to murder Chrom!"

I give her an odd look. "I…I see. Er… How is the captain doing, anyway? Is he all right? No hooves to the face or anything, yes?"

"What?! No! This sweetie would never hurt anyone!"

"You just said she was trying to murder Chrom!"

"Oh, I - er… right."

I look at the Pegasus. It has a saddle and blanket…thing on it. "Where'd you get that equipment for it?"

Sumia squints at the horse-like creature. "I…I didn't. I found it like this."

Riiight, now I remember. I guess the animators didn't have a sprite or anything for a naked Pegasus?

"Does that mean that this used to belong to someone else?" I ask.

"I…I suppose. Maybe the rider got injured or…worse in the attack that injured this girl."

I take a closer look at the Pegasus. "It's injured?"

Sumia points to its left wing. "Right here."

"Ah." Yeah, that looks pretty bad. "You know, we are moving. You may want to hurry up."

She shakes her head. "Oh, it's fine. I told Chrom to move on without me. I'll catch up as soon as I'm done helping this guy."

"All right, well, good luck!" I say, running back to the army.

* * *

Marching. Marching. I hate marching.

It's boring, repetitive, and my legs are killing me. Desperate for something to do, I try to find Miriel. She could probably teach me something about magic.

"Hey, Miriel," I say, after finding her near the front of the marching line.

"Salutations."

"You are the most experienced with magic in combat here, yes?"

She adjusts her glasses. "I would say so, given that no others adequately utilize that ability."

"Well, I have used some magic, and was wondering if you would mind teaching me."

She keeps her gaze on me. "While we are walking?"

I shrug. "Well, unless that would hinder you teaching me, I'd like that."

"We lack the usual practice targets that most mages practice with. We may injure someone without a proper, non-sentient target. Perhaps we shall hone your magical abilities at a later time, when we have sufficient resources."  
"Er… sure," I reply, thankful that she's not using as big words as I had originally feared she would.

I look around. "Are you sure there's nothing you could teach me right now? Maybe I could…practice some wind magic on some of those trees over there!" I say, pointing out the forest to our side.

"So long as you do not knock over any trees. Now, show me what you are capable of!"

"Er… I haven't really used wind magic before. You wouldn't happen to have a wind tome on you, would you?"

She pulls one out. "A mage is always adequately prepared."

I recite the incantation, stick my hand out, and send out a small ball of wind. It hits a tree, shaking it, causing a few birds to fly away. I turn to Miriel.

"You do realize that you are not required to recite the incantation aloud? You can simply chant it mentally. Go ahead, make an attempt at it."

Huh. That's cool. I really should've been able to figure that out on my own.

I try it again, and it works just fine. I smile, looking at my hands. My awesome, flame starting, air-bending, electrocuting hands.

"Thanks," I say to Miriel, looking up at her.

"My pleasure."

"Well, do you have anything more you could teach me some other time?"

She adjusts her glasses. She seems to enjoy doing that. "I shall see what I can do."

"Thanks," I say, walking away.

I look up in front of me. _What the hell?!_

When I look up, I see snow. Small, white balls of fluff falling to the ground. But when I look at the ground at my feet, there's dry dirt!

I look up. Snow. I look down. Dirt. Snow. Dirt. Snow. Dirt. The hell?

We're going closer to the snow. The snow which we should be covered in, but aren't. I take a good look at the ground that we're about to cover. All of the snow literally stops falling at one single, exact, point. It makes a _perfectly _straight line against the dirt.

I run up to Stahl. "Is… is that normal?" I say, pointing at the line of snow.

He looks at me. "Yes, why wouldn't it be?"

"Well, you know, I just assumed it would be…illogical for it to just stop snowing at one part."

He shrugs "Well, that's just how nature works."

_Just how nature works, huh?_

Nature seems to love fucking with me.

* * *

**AN: Well, don't forget, Lucas, that nature gave you awesome fighting abilities! Not that you'd really need them if nature didn't decide to dump you in this world...  
By the way, if you couldn't tell from the title, I have an unhealthy obsession with puns. At times, I may make puns that are so awesomely bad that you may want to face-desk yourself. Please don't. Bye!**


	10. Chapter 10 How Could You Be So Cold?

It's cold here. Really cold. So cold that if these people here believed in Santa Claus, this is where his workshop would be. So cold that Vaike has actually put on some clothes. So cold that there should be a huge-ass wall here keeping out wildlings and White Walkers. So cold that I'm starting to worry that the flame in my hand is going to freeze.

The whole "keeping the flame in my hand" caught Miriel's attention, so I had to cough up how I did it in a pretty un-epic way. Ah well, nobody knows about the whole combining elements together, so I still have that secret for now.

"Brr! L-L-Lucas! I'm f-f-freebing! C-c-couldja share the fire?" Lissa begs me.

Through chattering teeth, I mutter the fire spell again, making the flame in my hand bigger. I haven't really mastered the whole "reciting in head" thing yet for fire, and the cold doesn't exactly help me with that anyway. A few more people in our unbelievably small gang crowd around me.

"So this is the fortress?" Robin asks as it comes into view.

_No, somebody just decided to dump a pile of bricks here in a perfectly organized fashion. What do you think it is?!_

Okay, I'm the first to admit it – this cold has _not _put me in a good mood.

"Yes, the Longfort. It stretched along the border of Ylisse and Regna Ferox," Chrom explains. _Hm, maybe it _is _keeping out the wildlings._

"The khans that rule Ferox have grown quite wary of foreigners. Still, don't mistake a lack of hospitality for open hostility," Freddy starts. "This simply calls for a bit of diplomacy."

"Negotiation's not my strong suit, but I'll do my best. Remember everyone, your actions here reflect back upon Ylisse." _Duly noted._

* * *

We're really close to the Fortress, now. I take a look back. I can't find Sumia anywhere. I want to see her get here _before _she miraculously rescues Chrom.

"Trouble in the wind, milord: the Feroxi guard are mobilizing," Freddy informs Chrom.

"What?! Why?"

"Who can say? But they look ready to let fly at a moment's notice. We'd best prepare for combat, just to be safe. Perhaps we ought pool our supplies and select which Shepherds to deploy? Loath I am to trust him, Robin might offer some valuable insight in this…"

"Indeed, he IS out tactician, after all. So, Robin? What do you suggest?"

Vaike cuts in before Robin can even begin to determine who will be prepared. "What?! You ain't holding any of us back! We all wanna fight for you, Chrom!"

Robin shakes his head. "We do not want to appear any more hostile than necessary towards these Feroxi warriors. I will only select a few of you to prepare for battle. The rest of you will stay back."

Sully groans. "All right, but at the first sign of trouble, don't expect any of us to just sit back and watch!"

I can't help but enjoy the fact that this world is starting to make much more sense than the game.

Robin nods. "That being said, if the need for battle should arise, I am loath to slaughter innocent men…"

Chrom smiles. "We could bring out our practice weapons. They won't kill, but they certainly will be able to knock out these men."

"What?!" I can't help blurt out. "Are you insane?! Practice weapons against the real, pointy deal?! We'll be slaughtered! Robin, you can't agree with this! You're job is to _not _get us killed!"

Robin seems to side with Chrom. "We'll do that. Let's just hope we don't have to come to steel…"

I roll my eyes. "I don't think 'come to steel' is the correct term in _this _situation…"

* * *

"Halt! Who goes there?!" the bitch up in the wall cries. Gods (I am shamefully getting used to these people's slang) I hate her... This is going to be a pain. I wonder what her name is… Meh, I don't care – either way, I'm gonna have fun beating the crap out of her!

"In the name of House Ylisse, I seek audience with the khans!" Chrom replies. He's got a good set of lungs on him… How people were able to have these long-distance pre-battle quotes always interested me.

"Not another step, my bold lad! I've lancers at the ready!"

I turn to Vaike. Both he and I were told to stand next to each other in case of battle – Virion is staying behind, since arrows that can knock out people who are not wearing helmets are pretty hard to come by. Miriel's still here, but my and her magic is limited to only using the occasional wind spell, given that there is really no such thing as practice magic. "How much do you wanna bet that we'll have to beat up these guys?"

"You're on! 50 gold coins sound good to you?" Vaike replies, smiling like a lunatic.

I grin. "It's a deal." I know it's cheating, since I've already know what's going to happen in the future, but I like to try to make the most out of a bad situation.

"Hold, milady! We are not your enemy!" Freddy yells. "Exalt Emmeryn herself sent us to discuss matters of mutual interest!"

"My only interest is keeping you out of Regna Ferox, brigands!" the woman replies.

"B-brigand? Now see here-"

"You think you are the first 'Ylisseans' to try to cross this border? I have the authority to fell such imposters where they stand."

"How dare you! You are in the presence of Prince Chrom, the exalt's own blood!"

"Ha! Yes indeed – and I'm the queen of Valm! You do realize that impersonating royalty is a capital offense, yes? Mmm… Then perhaps we should settle this the Feroxi way. You claim to be the prince of Ylisse? Then prove it on the battlefield!"

"Rgh…" Chrom cringes. "Emmeryn won't like this at all… Please milady! If you'd just listen–"

"Now look here, you screwed up bitch!" I scream at the wall. "This man has the freaking brand of the exalt, right there on his arm, as well as Falchion itself in his hand! What do we need to do: LIGHT THEM ON FIRE FOR YOU?! Besides! HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU KNOW WITH BLUE FREAKING HAIR?!"

I honestly don't know what I was hoping to accomplish with that. I suppose, at the very least, it'll make this woman feel like more of an idiot when this is over.

"I've heard quite enough! Attack!"

_Really? I lay out all the evidence that this bitch should need, and she still won't listen to reason. Oh, look, they're throwing lances at Chrom now. Just great. And where's Sumia? Nowhere to be – HOLY SHI! That was fast! Man, she really knows how to ride that pegasus…_

I see Sumia attempt to fly her Pegasus over the wall, but the knights about to throw lances at her deters her, so she flies back down to the ground.

"All right – that's it!" Robin yells. "ATTACK!"

_This is going to be good…_

I run towards the eastern entrance of the wall, which is, in other words, the entrance on the opposite side of Kellam. I see Chrom running over in that direction, no doubt about to have the recruitment conversation with him, which in retrospect doesn't really make sense, since he's technically already been recruited.

I run at a soldier, ready to cut him open. Then, I remember that I'm using a practice sword. Shit. This is going to be tough. Still, it'll be worth it if I get to beat some sense into that bitch of a knight up there…

Still, I suppose a small part of me is a tiny bit grateful. I don't feel entirely ready to begin ending people's lives yet.

But I don't want other people ending _my _life, either.

I dodge a lance and knock it out of a soldier's hands. I then hit him in the stomach with the hilt of my sword, and then hit him on the head, knocking him out.

I look up, and see Vaike and Stahl fighting some of the other soldiers. I run towards them.

"Hey, Vaike! You owe me 50 gold!"

"Shut up!"

I parry a blow as best as I can with a fake weapon, and take down a mercenary. "Honestly, what did you expect with that hotheaded bitch up there?" I reply, grinning.

"Yeah, well she may be a hotheaded bitch, but she's going to be tough to take down!" Stahl yells while knocking an archer on the head.

I blast wind at a soldier who was running at Vaike, and let him knock the guy out. That appears to be the last of them. I wonder if the more enemies rule still applies in Ferox.

Stahl runs around the corner towards the entrance. "The door's locked!" he yells.

I turn back to Vaike, "None of those guys dropped a key, did they?"

Vaike snorts. "Of course not. I mean, come on, these guys might be stupid, but they're not _that _stupid!"

Of course. In this world, people seem to have brains. I turn back to the entrance, raising my hand.

"Stahl, you may want to step back."

* * *

I'm not sure what the soldiers on the other side were expecting to happen, but, evidently, a door being blown off its hinges was somehow not on that list. The door nearly crushes a fighter, who is stunned enough for me to just blast him away with some wind magic.

A mercenary starts running at me. I send a quick, weak amount of wind at him, fazing him a tiny bit, and then give him a good knock on the head.

Stahl and Vaike have now squeezed through that tiny entrance, and are helping me take these guys down. I think I see the bitch in the distance, but I don't see Chrom or any of the others coming from the other entrance. Evidently, Miriel either hasn't thought of blasting away the door, or she is simply convinced that she can't.

I start running at Bitch – yes, that's her name now – taking down anybody who gets in my way. There are definitely more enemies here than in the game, so that answers my previous question on this matter.

Finally, I'm at striking distance with Bitch – I'm using that name as often as I can. "Hey there, you little bitch!" I yell at her.

I take a look at her weapon. It's a javelin. If I remember correctly, she has a short spear on lunatic mode, so that's a bit of a relief.

"How dare you?!" she cries at me.

"How dare _me_?!" I scream at her. "_You're _the one attacking innocent people with no reason whatsoever!"

"Enough! Let our battle sound out the truth of your swords!"

She then lunges at me, and I jump out of the way. I take a stab at her, but she easily blocks it. I try to take advantage of the fact that she can't move well in that huge suit of armour, and start running circles around her, throwing slashes at her whenever I can. Before long, I begin to tire myself out, so I just decide to lunge at her.

This is definitely not one of my smartest ideas. She easily blocks my sword, and shoves me flat on my back. She walks over me, and raises her javelin, getting ready to impale me. I roll out of the just in time, just like in pretty much every single medieval movie.

I jump up, while slashing upwards to cover my ascent.

_Holy shit, that's high! I knew I was good at high jump at school, but _man_! That is _high_! Well, I shouldn't be too surprised, since I did also gain awesome fighting abili – __**CONCENTRATE YOU MORON!**_

I'm really hating my brain, right now. Thanks to it, I nearly got impaled _again_, while it was distracting me.

I duck under another one of her attempts to take my head off, and try to hit her in the face. She hits my sword with her javelin, and my practice sword goes flying out of my hand and into the wall, where it shatters.

_**DAMMIT, ROBIN! IF I LIVE THROUGH THIS, I AM NEVER LISTENING TO YOU AGAIN!**_

Bitch shoves me into the wall, and I duck before I can have a javelin put through my head.

Once again, I am in a near-death situation, wherein nobody appears to be trying to help me. _Damn it, how can Vaike and Stahl be taking this long?! _

Once again, I'm running circles around Bitch, while she blindly slashes at wherever she thinks I am. _Heh, this is sort of like that second episode of the Last Airbender, isn't it? You know, with Aang and Zuko? Damn, that was a good show when I was younger… When I get back, I should really – CON. CEN. TRATE. DAMN IT. _

I leap away from Bitch, and then blast some wind at her. She easily blocks it with her shield. Okay, so wind magic seems to be out of the picture, and I don't have any weapons to fight with. Shit.

_Sorry Robin, but your rule sucks. I'm going to use some magic, even if it kills this bitch!_

_Er… If you _do _kill her, then there is next to no chance Chrom will be able to negotiate with the khans! _

_Fine, I won't kill her. But I am going to inflict a _lot _of pain._

I recite the fire spell, and heat up my right hand. I leap at her, duck under her javelin, and then press my flaming hand on her arm. She screams, and tries to kick at me. I easily dodge, and then punch her in the nose.

I step back, grinning. Bitch's nose is bleeding, and she looks really pissed.

I spread my arms wide, and taunt her, "Come on, darling! I don't even have a weapon, and I've caused more blood than you have!"

Now she's even more pissed. Good. She lunges at me, I dodge, heat up my hand, press it on her arm again, and then give her a taste of my left hook.

This is awesome. Now she has a bloody nose, _and _a black eye.

I point at her, "I think that look suits you better!"

_I thought we'd agreed – NO MORE DANTE!_

She slashes at me. I burn her arm, and hit her in the face a third time.

"Oh, you're _so _much better when you're angry!"

She tries to cut me. I dodge. I have a quick last-second near-death idea. This time, I don't burn her arm. I simply set fire to both of my palms, press them against her armour, and let the fire explode. "Lights out," I say before she gets sent flying into the wall. I really hope she heard that, because it will only humiliate her more when she comes to.

Er… _If _she comes to.

I'm pretty sure she's just knocked out. But, just to be sure, I run up to her, and check.

Yup. She's still alive. I throw away her javelin, just in case she wakes up and gets any clever ideas.

I take a good look at Vaike and Stahl. They're _still_ fighting a few more enemies towards the west entrance, which Chrom and gang have still not gotten through. Ah, well. If they weren't I'd be pretty pissed, since I could've used their help when fighting Bitch. At least they were busy, and had an excuse.

_Let's see… Throw a lightning bolt here and there… Let Stahl finish off that guy, aaaanndd… There we go!_

The two of them turn to me as I walk towards them.

"Well," I say, turning around to see the unconscious Bitch. "That was fun."

Chrom and the rest of the gang are still not here. We walk through the empty doorway, in hopes of finding them. They're right around the corner.

"Is it over?" Chrom asks.

I smile smugly, and say, "Yup. I took down that bitch!"

"How'd you get in?" Robin asks.

"Through the front door," Vaike answers, pointing at the door that I blasted off of its hinges.

"What were you guys doing? You missed all the fun!" I cut in.

"Well, we spent a few minutes trying to find a way to get through that door," Chrom says sheepishly, "and then we decided to check on you guys to see if you had any ideas. It seems that you did."

"Right, well, the bitch is over this way!" I say, beginning to lead them through the doorway.

"Do you _need _to call her a bitch so often?" Robin asks, frowning at me.

I turn to him. "Yes, Robin. Yes, I do."

"Why?"

"Because," I explain. "She's a bitch."

* * *

When Bitch comes to, she's not happy. That's probably because the first thing she sees is me leaning over, yelling "Rise and shine, Bitch!"

She jerks up, glaring at me. She then turns to Chrom. "A thousand apologies, Prince Chrom. I truly took you for brigand impostors."

"Don't jump to conclusions next time, Bitch," I say. Bitch glares at me again, and turns back to Chrom.

"But no frauds could ever wage a battle as you just have! I will send word of your arrival to the capital and escort you there personally."

"That would be most appreciated, thank you," Chrom says before I can make a comment.

"Amazing. Her whole demeanor changed," Robin observes.

"In Ferox, strength speaks louder than words," Freddy points out. "I should have known better than to overestimate the value of diplomacy here…"

"So can we get going, Chrom?" Lissa asks.

"Yes, it's not getting any warmer."

* * *

**AN: Happy Halloween!**

**Evidently, I hate that woman with a passion. She was the cause of the hardest chapter in my Lunatic history...  
I'm aware that it took me longer than usual to update this. I would like to be able to use school as an excuse, but if we're being honest, it's my own fault. See ya!**


	11. Chapter 11 Jackass Frost

"Prince Chrom, please wait here while I summon the khan," Bitch says, just before she walks away.

"Of course," Chrom replies.

I'm pretty sure that that last fight was Chapter 4, which means that the Outrealm Gate would have just opened, and Donnel's recruitment chapter just became accessible. I don't really know if I was expecting us to do that right now, but, geographically, making are way down to Donny's village is pretty impossible. His village is pretty much on the other end of the continent. I really hope that Paralogues exist here…

"The khan is away?" Robin asks.

"Out training, I'd wager," Chrom answers. "The khans of Ferox prefer battle to politics. Or rather, battle IS their politics."

"A warrior ruler, eh?" Robin mutters. "I can picture him now… A giant man of unparalleled thew, his broad chest covered in hair, heheh…" I really don't know what to make of that laugh. It seems pretty suggestive to me…

"Am I now?" a voice cuts in. "…Please, do go on!"

"Huh?"

Everybody looks up to see Flavia, the most indefinitely _not _male khan.

"You're the–?!" Chrom stutters. "Er, that is to say… The khan, I presume?"

_Yes, Chrom, that is. _

_KHAAAAAAAAAAN!_

_Dude, that was just terrible._

_Terrible, but necessary. It needed to be done. You cannot deny it, so don't. _

"One of them, yes – the East-Khan. My name is Flavia. I apologize for the troubles at the border, Prince Chrom. You are welcome in Regna Ferox."

"Some people seem to have a funny way of showing that," I say, looking at Bitch. She cringes. I am never going to drop her idiocy.

"Er… Thank you, but I'm confident that we can put that misunderstanding behind us," Chrom says. "_Isn't that right, Lucas?"_

I shrug. "We'll see."

Chrom frowns, and turns back to Flavia. "Anyway, is it true bandits posing as Ylisseans have been ransacking your border villages?"

"Yes. Those Plegian dogs! We found documents proving as much on the corpse of one of their captains. Plegia must see some benefit in raising tensions between your kingdom and ours."

"Damn them!" Chrom shouts. "I… Forgive me, Your Grace. That was…indelicately put."

"Ha! Damn them and damn indelicacy! Here in Ferox, we appreciate plain speech." _I think I'm gonna like it here._

"In that case, you should have a word with your damn border guards…" Chrom mutters.

"…Ha ha! Now that's Feroxi diplomacy! Yes, I like you already." Flavia's smile disappears after a second. "I know why you have come, Prince. But regrettably, I cannot provide any Feroxi troops for Ylisse."

"What?!" Lissa shouts. "Why not?!"

"I lack the authority," Flavia says, shaking her head.

"Forgive me, but I don't understand," Chrom begins to ask. "Aren't you the khan?"

"As I said, I am ONE of the khans. In Ferox, the khans of east and west hold a tournament every few years. The victor acquires total sovereignty over both kingdoms. And that means they have the final say when it comes to forging allegiances. The West-Khan won the last tournament, you see, and so…"

"So we are to receive no aid at all?" Chrom asks, sounding disappointed.

"Not if you always give up so easily! The next tournament is nigh, you see, and I am in need of champions."

"What does that have to do with us?"

"The captain of my border guard informs me your Shepherds are quite capable," Flavia says, directing to Bitch. "Perhaps you would consider representing the East in the upcoming tournament? If you win and I become ruling khan, I will grant your allegiance."

"I would have assumed Ylisseans had no place in such Feroxi traditions."

"Ha! On the contrary. The khans themselves do not fight – they choose champions to represent them. Otherwise our land would be rife with blood feuds and dead khans! We wouldn't involve comrades or kin for the same reason. Over time, it decided the tournament should be fought by outsiders. Although the outsiders have never included foreign royalty. …That I know of!" she laughs. "Regardless, it is your choice to make."

"There is no choice, East-Khan. My people are desperate. We face not only Plegia's constant attacks, but now the added threat of the Risen. If fighting you is the quickest way to an alliance, then we will take up our steel."

Flavia laughs. "Oh, I like you, Prince Chrom. I do hope you survive the tournament! Come. I'll show you the arena where the tournament is held. But be wary! I hear an equally able swordsman champions the West-Khan."

"He shall be defeated by Ylisse's necessity."

"Well spoken again – I look forward to seeing if you're equally skilled with the blade!"

I tap Chrom on the shoulder, and whisper, "Beg pardon, milord, but wouldn't it be quicker to just request an alliance with the West-Khan?"

Chrom stops, and starts staring at the wall. "Lucas?"

"Yes?"

"Say something earlier, next time."

We leave for the arena.

* * *

Man, this place is huge. Lots of seats, and a huge-ass battlefield.

"So," I ask Flavia, "how does this tournament thing work?"

She turns to me. "Each khan can elect five champions to fight, and each one begins fighting one on one against another, until there is but one champion."

"So…you don't send an entire team against another team in one fight?"

She frowns at me. "What kind of a tournament would that be?"

_Thank you! _"Fair enough," I shrug. "So…what happens if one champion gets pit against another champion from the same team?"

"In that not uncommon situation, there would be at least three fighters representing one team. They would fight just like the others, in order to find out who would be the better choice to fight the next battle."

I nod. "Uh-huh. Three more questions: How long until the tournament starts? How long does the tournament last? And where do I sign up?"

"It starts in four days. It lasts ten days – if you're thinking of fighting, you'll fight about once every other day, though at one point, if you fight well enough, you will definitely need to fight two consecutive days. You should really ask Chrom whether he'll let you fight. He _is _your leader."

"Oh…right. Shoulda guessed that…"

Chrom's down in the fighting pit, taking a look at the place.

I turn back to Flavia, "Actually, one more question: Is magic allowed in the tournament?"

"No. While deaths in the tournament aren't uncommon, we try to limit them as much as possible. As such, we also only use practice weapons."

I nod, and walk over to Chrom. Down the stairs, and then across the entire frickin' arena.

"Hey, Chrom. Have you decided who else is going to compete with you?"

He looks at me. "No, not yet. How many people can I take with me?"

"Four others. No magic, and no real weapons – just practice ones."

"I see. I'm assuming that you're planning to volunteer yourself?"

I tilt my head. "How'd you know that?"

He shrugs. "Why else would you have come to me asking right away if I'd picked my allies?"

I laugh. "Fair enough. So…is that a yes?"

"Well, you asked first, and you're definitely useful on the battlefield. I don't see why not."

"Alright," I say, making a start to walk away. "Well, are we done here?"

He takes a final look around the arena. "Yeah, I've seen enough."

* * *

All of us are staying at an inn. I don't know what it's called, since I didn't read the sign – I just wanted to get inside and out of the cold as quickly as possible.

I flop down on my bed, exhausted from all the walking and standing I had to do in the last few hours.

Fortunately, nobody needs to share a room with anyone else at the inn – Chrom's just that rich. I dump my bag on the floor – it's not holding much: just my armour. I lean my weapons against the wall, and turn to leave my room.

I find Chrom downstairs, sitting on a couch.

"Hey! Did you decide on who's in the tournament, yet?"

He turns to me, and replies, "Yes. Vaike, Frederick, and Robin all volunteered. Sully and Kellam also volunteered, but Sully resigned when she learned that mounts weren't allowed, and Kellam…"

"Couldn't hear him?"

"Nope," he replies, frowning.

"Poor guy…"

"Yeah… At least he didn't seem to mind very much."

"Would they have even allowed him to wear his huge armour in there, anyway?"

"Who knows?"

"Right. So, anyway, do you know any place I could practice my magic?"

"Er… You could probably find some empty field, or something. That should be safe enough. If you want something to use for target practice, you could… Aim at the snowflakes?"

"Okay," I say as I head for the door. I stop dead in my tracks, and move back. "Er… You wouldn't know where I could find a coat, would you?"

* * *

I can't feel my face. The worst thing about practicing in the snow is that when you use Elwind magic, there's a good chance that snow's going to get blasted right back at you. This is something that I'm kind of trying to fix.

Another challenge to overcome is controlling where my Elwind spell takes effect. This is exceedingly difficult compared to what I call the simple "blast" types of magic, wherein the magic takes form in your hand, and then gets sent flying. Controlling exactly where the magic concentrates requires a large amount of concentration which, as you may have noticed, is something that my brain has trouble providing.

Ah well. At the very least, I can say that I have memorized the incantation after saying it so often.

I begin to recite the incantation another time when I hear a cough from behind me.

I turn around. Oh, it's Bitch. She looks weird without her armour on.

"What are you doing here, Bitch? Shouldn't you be at the wall attacking random people? Or, y'know, training your soldiers. I mean, come on, they got taken down by three of us, and we didn't even have real weapons!"

"I have a name, you know!" she snaps.

I pause for a moment, and reply, "You came all this way just to tell me that?" I begin to turn back to my training, hoping that this is the end of it.

"My name's Raimi!" I don't reply, letting her know that I really don't care. After a few seconds of silence, she replies, "Look, I've apologized a thousand times for what I did. Yet you still seem to hate me. What can I do to have you stop being so angry at me?"

I look at the sky, pretending to contemplate an answer. "Well, for starters, you could stay away from me, and try to make sure I never see you ever again."

"Why do you hate me so much?!"

"Because, I don't take too kindly to people who have tried to kill me and my friends!"

"Do you constantly call all of the bad guys who encounter some sexist slur?"

"No, I don't, because I don't find them as intolerable as you. Just seeing you brings out a worse side of me. When brigands try to kill us, at the very least, they have a reason. They want money, power, or whatever, and we stand in the way of that. I don't agree with their motives, but at the very least, they have them, and they follow them accordingly. _You _on the other hand, were nothing more than an idiot trying to kill your own allies for no reason whatsoever, based on an idiotic assumption you made that had absolutely no merit!"

She's silent, now. I was planning to continue practice, but there's no way I'm going to stay here, now.

I walk back to the inn, leaving her in the snow.

* * *

**AN: ...So, Lucas can be a huge jackass in situations. Still, at least he has his reasons... Or, y'know, reasons that he considers reasons, but in actuality aren't very reasonable, so you may very well not consider them reasons...**


	12. Chapter 12 The Secret Seller

After a whole day of wasting time, eating, and occasionally training a little bit, we decided to take a little excursion to the north, and now we're saving a village with the help of a certain red-haired merchant. I'm certain that in the game, this Paralogue is supposed to occur sometime after the arena battle, but, unless I got really drunk again, this is definitely happening right now.

Cutting real people doesn't bother me too much anymore. That's not to say that I enjoy it – part of me still throws up every time my steel pierces flesh – but I'm not going to drop to my knees and let someone put an axe in me anymore.

I appear to have been stuck with the job of going to Anna and helping her out. As can be expected, she is dodging arrows like crazy. I sneak up, which is annoyingly difficult, due to the snow, and cut one of the archers in half.

"Hello there, handsome! Am I being rescued?"

_Isn't that what the recruit-able Anna says? _"Well, that was kind of the plan, but you seem to be holding up fine," I say, dodging an arrow. "Do you do this for a living?" I shoot some fire at the archer.

She giggles. "I'm a merchant."

"Are all merchant's this skilled with the sword?" I start running after a barbarian, who is targeting the nearby village.

"It's a dangerous job."

I laugh. "That's what Chrom said about being Shepherds…" _Block that barbarian's axe._

"Oh! You guys are the Shepherds?"

I cut the barbarian. "Are we really that famous?"

"I travel a lot. I've made more than a few trades in Ylisstol."

_Slash that archer. _"You definitely seem to be good at what you do."

"Cutting or selling?"

"Well, you're definitely good at cutting." _So I set that guy on fiiiire! _"And it sounds like you're good at selling. Money must come easy for you."

"Does being a Shepherd pay well?"

"Chrom pays pretty generously. Plus, we get room and board free… unless that comes out of my pay."

A barbarian's headed for Anna, while she's cutting an archer. I blast some lightning at him, and he's easily disposed of. Anna turns to him, and then to me. "You get a discount!"

_Wow… She sure is saying a lot of the potential Shepherd-Anna's quotes._

"A discount on what?"

She shrugs. "Anything you want to buy from me."

I look her up and down. "You don't seem to have much of an inventory on you at the moment."

She pouts. "Hey! I'll have you know –"

I put up my hands in defense. "All right, all right. I believe you, already." I smile, and look back up at her. "We…haven't been killed yet, while we were talking, have we?"

"I don't think so."

"That means that we've killed everyone, right?"

"Probably."

"Okay, good," I say, looking around. Yup, we've killed everyone. "That's the last time I get distracted like that," I lie to myself.

I look in the distance, and see Chrom and the others making their way to the south, ready to kill Vincent or… was it Victor? I honestly can't remember.

"C'mon," I say, and start a light run towards the others.

"Do you always talk to people this much when you fight, or am I a special case?" Anna asks, beginning to follow me.

"I talk when I fight. If somebody else isn't there to enjoy my company, then I talk to myself, which I have been informed is not healthy."

"I may have a treatment for that."

I look at her. "Really?"

"No."

"You know, you seem familiar," I say, wanting to get to the point of her having multiple identical sisters out of the way.

"Well, you don't."

"Ouch. That's harsh."

"Relax, I get that a lot. I can only assume that you've met one of my sisters."

"Ah. For a second there I thought you were Anna. She was nice. But I think she conned me out of more than a few gold coins…" This is not a lie. While in Ferox, I _had _bought an iron sword from an Anna, and I'm pretty sure that I paid at least twice as much as what I would need to pay in the game. Still, she was the only weapon-seller there, and I really needed a good weapon, so I didn't say anything.

"I am Anna."

I pause for a moment, just for effect. "In that case, you owe me some money."

"I didn't con you."

"You can't _possibly _tell me that an iron sword costs that much!"

"I didn't sell you anything. We've never met before now."

"But…you just said you were Anna!"

"I am."

"Then give me my money."

"I don't owe you any money."

"I can't help but notice that this conversation is going in circles. Are you or are you not the woman who owes me money?"

"I have numerous identical sisters around the world, and we're all named Anna."

I stop dead in my tracks. I never was a good actor, but this seems like something someone in this situation would do. Anna stops with me.

"Whose brilliant idea was that?"

She shrugs. "It's a tradition that's been going on for millennia."

"…What."

"It's true!"

"…How many sisters do you have?"

"Hundreds."

"Doesn't that make family get-togethers pretty chaotic?"

"Aren't everyone's?"

"…Do you also have hundreds of identical mothers?"

"Yes."

"Identical fathers?"

"No."

I turn towards the fight. We're not far from it. I turn back to Anna, while walking backwards towards the battle. "Talking with you is confusing. I'm going to go stab people, now."

I turn around, and run into the fray.

_Well, that went all right. Glad we got that out of the way…_

I pull out my axe, and cut open a myrmidon.

Shortly after defeating another enemy, I decide to take another epic element from other video games and try to put it into use here: combos.

_This will _not _end well…_

I sneak up behind a barbarian, knock his weapon out of his hand, grab him by the throat, toss him into the air, blast him with an Elwind to keep him up there, and use my newly-discovered high-jumping skills to jump towards him and cut him in two.

"Well," I hear Robin say after I land, smirking, "that was devastatingly unnecessary."

I laugh. "True, but, let's face it, that looked epic as hell."

_Good Gods, now I'm starting to enjoy killing people. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!_

His smile grows. "How about we not perform the theatrics and just stay alive."

"Can't I do both?"

I return my focus to combat.

_Well, there's Victor or Vincent… _

I run towards him, cutting anyone in my way in order to clear a path towards him.

"Hey there!"

"Greetings."

"You trying to ransack that village over there?"

"That's the plan."

"Sorry, I can't let you do that."

"Oh, but I think you will."

"No, I don't think I'll be doing that."

"And why is that?"

"It's kind of a matter of principle. You want them to give you stuff, they don't want to give you stuff, you have weapons to threaten, they don't have weapons fight back with, we come along, we _do _have weapons to fight back with – it's kind of something we do."

"Enough banter! Let's just do this!" he swings his axe at me, and I block with mine.

"Come on! Let's talk some more!" I say, taking a swing at his head, which he ducks under. "I don't even know your name! Let's start there!"

"Victor!" he manages to grunt after swinging at me again.

"Nice name! I'm Lucas!" After retreating a reasonable distance, I switch out my axe for my sword, which I wish I had done earlier. Swords beat axes, after all.

I dash at him, and slash. He blocks, and laughs. "Give up now! I was born a Victor, and victory will be mine!"

I step back a bit. "You know, just for that pun, you have earned my respect."

"Does that mean you're going to surrender?"

"Nah."

I blast some lightning at him, which he rolls away from. I try to slash at him before he can get up, but he recovers quite quickly, and blocks again.

"How about now?" he screams at me.

"Still no," I say. I take a quick look around. We're pretty much right next to the others. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe I could somehow use this to my advantage? Damn, this is why Robin's the tactician…

Disregarding any intentions I may have had on a strategy, I launch a vicious slash at Vincent. He blocks, but I keep pushing my sword against his axe.

_Damn it, he's going to win. _My grip on my sword is loosening. I shouldn't be surprised – just look at this guy! There's no way I can overpower this guy!

I raise my leg, and kick him in the stomach. _That was kind of a dirty trick._ He keels over, and I try to finish him off. If only things were that easy.

At the last second, he dodges, and then body checks me, launching me into the cold, uninviting snow. Before he can start running at me, I throw a fireball at him, and quickly get up.

"I do believe I am winning," I gloat, pointing my sword at a pained Victor.

"Only because you fought dirty! In a fair fight, I'd have killed you!"

"Well, that's not incentive for me to fight fair, is it?" I reply.

_Jack Sparrow, now, eh? Ah, well. It could be worse._

He charges at me. He's pissed. Pissing people appears to be a talent of mine. It certainly has its uses…

I sidestep the assault, and deal a blow to his shoulder, which his armour blocks. Nonetheless, it still hurts, and Victor stumbles around.

_Let's have some fun with this guy._

As Victor picks himself up, I put my sword into my left, non-dominant, hand, and put my right hand into the snow.

Victor receives a face-full of snow.

I laugh. "Are you having fun, yet?"

Now he's _really _pissed. His face is really red. If this were some old-timey cartoon, there would be steam coming out of his ears.

Once again, he charges at me. I start a standard wind spell, and throw it at him. It seems to pick up some snow with it, and Vincent gets even more snow in his face.

_Okay, he's close enough, now…_

I run up and slash at him. He blocks, but his shoulder's still busted, and I easily overpower him, knocking his axe out of his hands. Wasting no time for him to tackle me, I shove my sword through him, and take it out.

I hear a faint, "I…I see an open field…" as I leave to help Chrom and the others.

* * *

I rest my sword in the snow.

_Glad that's over…_

Some of the brigands ran away after the fight continued a while longer. I don't really care. The fewer chances there are of me dying, the better.

"A thousand thanks, good sir. I'd feared our goods would spoil before reaching market," the merchant guy says to Chrom. "I'm certain the townsfolk will be happier for the fresh food as well."

"It seems you've done a kindness to my fellow merchants," Anna says to Chrom, when he's done talking with that other merchant. "The name's Anna. Some folks like to call me the Secret Seller."

"Yes, we've met before. You sold us weapons in Regna Ferox," Chrom starts, about to become very confused. "…and I must make a slight comment on the price–"

"We haven't met before."

"Huh? Oh, then I must be… I'm sorry, I thought you… Wait, what am I saying? I KNOW we've met before! I'm sure of it!"

"Oh! Hee hee! You must have–"

I decide to cut in and make this quick. "Long story short, there are thousands of identical red-haired travelling merchants, all of them are named Anna for some reason, and this shit has been going on for millennia. Don't ask why. Can we get going home now, please? We're all freezing our asses off over here!"

"Yeah, that about sums it up," Anna says.

"…Huh," is all that Chrom can reply with.

"Anyway, I can't send you on your way after helping me protect this village. Plus, I've heard that you pay pretty generously…" Wait, what's going on? "So let me come along and aid you in return. I can be quite useful. You'll never make a loss with me in tow – I guarantee it!"

* * *

Evidently, I've socialized a little too much with this Anna, since she has now joined the Shepherds.

"Hey," I say, catching up with her in the marching line.

"Oh, hey! Surprised to see me in your little army?"

"Well, you can barely call it an army, but… yeah, I kind of am a bit surprised. Is there any particular reason you joined us?"

"Well," she says, putting her finger on her chin, striking her trademark pose, "you _did _say that the pay is good. Besides, you guys seem to do a fair bit of travelling, and that can never hurt a merchant's business, can it?"

"I guess that makes sense." This Anna definitely doesn't seem to be leaving any time soon, and there doesn't really seem to be anything that I can do about it. Still, that isn't a bad thing by any means – just a bit confusing. "That reminds me, you said that you had a large inventory on you. Where is it?"

"The capital, where you guys are headed."

"Oh. I just assumed that it was in that village we were fighting to protect earlier…"

"Nah, I just had a small amount of items there with me when I was passing by. It's a small village, so I didn't bother bringing all of my expensive items."

"So…you were mainly trading in the capital earlier?"

"That's right."

"So…you weren't the only Anna over there when I bought my sword?"

She puts on a sheepish grin. "No, I was the only one."

I frown at her. "Give me my money, woman."

"Hey, if you don't know the game, you shouldn't make the deal!"

* * *

**AN: Oh, but Lucas knows the game. He knows the game all too well...  
I have nothing else to say about this. Good-bye.**


	13. Chapter 13 Legends of the Drunken Master

_Ugh. Where am I?_

"What do we do now?"

_Whose… Whose voices are those?_

"I say we leave him here."

_Augh… My head… What did I have last night? Wait, that's right! Last night was the… Oh shit._

I jump up for a second, but my legs aren't able to support me with such little notice, and I fall right back down.

I let out a painful groan.

"Rise and shine!" the blonde girl squeaks at me.

I wince. "Listen, I know that you normally wouldn't listen to me anyway, but my head is killing me, so if you could just shut the bloody hell up, that would be fantastic."

Lissa pouts. "There's no need to be rude!"

"Sorry," I say, getting up, only to fall onto an invisible man.

"Here. Let me help you up."

"Thanks, Kellam."

"Er… I'm Robin."

"Are you sure?" I look up. "Yup, you _are_ Robin. Sorry, it's just…I couldn't see you, so I kind of assumed that…"

"It's fine."

"So… What happened?"

Robin gives me an odd look. "You don't remember?"

I get off of him, and begin rubbing my temples. "Look, buddy, you're as much of an amnesiac as I am. I don't think this should come as much of a surprise."

I fall down. Fortunately, I just happened to fall on a bed.

"Er… Is this my room?"

"Yeah," I hear Robin answer.

"Good. I think I'm gonna just lie here for the next few years."

"Okay. See ya."

I sit up. "Wait! You didn't answer my question! What the hell happened yesterday?"

"Just get some rest. It'll probably come to you eventually. As far as we know, no magic spell was involved in your memory loss, so it should come naturally."

"…Can't you just tell me?"

"It's a long story," Lissa answers. "And, besides, you need the rest."

They leave before I can reply.

They said that I need rest, but I'm too busy trying to remember what I got myself into yesterday. If I remember correctly, yesterday was supposed to be the first day of the tournament. All evidence seems to point towards me getting my ass kicked so hard that I forgot completely about the previous day.

After what could have been an hour of trying to remember some actual events, I give up and decide to rest.

This proves to be even harder, due to my headache. I now realize that this feels more like a hangover headache than a beaten-the-crap-out-of-me headache.

…Is there even a difference?

Actually, it feels a bit more like a combination of both.

Or maybe my brain's just too messed up at the moment to

* * *

I open my eyes. I fell asleep in the middle of that thought process.

My headache's gone… I think.

Nope, it's back, now that I've started thinking about it. I hate when that happens.

_Okay… So, what just happened?_

I think I may have had a dream a few minutes ago. Instinctively, I try to remember it.

_Wait, weren't you trying to remember something else earlier?_

_I…think it's coming to me. _

Memories come flooding to me all at once.

* * *

If there's one good thing I can say about Regna Ferox, it's that they have great booze.

When you're waiting for something, or even nothing, and have absolutely nothing to do in the mean time, drinking becomes a great way to pass the time.

Now, I didn't have a good idea on how the currency works here – still don't – so I had no idea what I was doing when I stepped into that pub. Because of this, I had decided to spend the fifty gold coins that I won from Vaike here. In the game, weapons and stuff seemed overly expensive, but fifty gold coins still seemed like a lot of money, to me. I don't really know what happened, but I do remember that I placed the coins on the counter, and then the drinks kept coming. I would drink one mug, and then I would get an instant refill.

During my first drink, when I had no idea I would be getting as many drinks as I would in the immediate future, I took a look around. The place was pretty crowded. It was kind of bright, with lots of tables and chairs with nothing much else. They only served drinks here, so it wasn't anything too fancy.

I…think that I tried to talk to some guy right next to me. I said…something to him. The man was clearly drunk, and grumbled some inaudible noises at me.

I nodded and turned away.

By then, I had finished my first glass, and put it on the counter. I made a move to the door, when it got refilled quickly, and handed back to me. Confused, I decided to grab it and begin drinking again.

Maybe it was the fact that I was gradually getting more and more drunk, but that man who was sitting next to me gradually began to make more sense. He actually had some interesting stuff to say.

At least…I think he did.

It was at least interesting back then. I think he said something about our place in the universe, and how the world is shaped like a banana.

No, that was me. Evidently, being drunk had caused me to start quoting Monty Python.

_He _said some – ah, it's not important!

Anyway, we continued to drink and talk, and, eventually, we began to drink and shout some obscure noises at each other. I couldn't understand him at all, but acted like I could, for some reason.

My memory gets a bit hazy after that…

Ah, eventually I began to… Jump on top of a table, kicking off glasses, screaming "I AM THE GOD OF TITS AND WINE!", while laughing my drunk ass off.

And I am quite certain that I was _not _drinking wine. Or tits.

I jumped off of the table, and my new pal began leaning on me, and we started singing. Gods know what we were singing, or how I managed to know the words to it. We probably didn't even get it right, anyway.

This appears to have continued for a little while, with more drinks and more terrible singing.

And then Sully came.

"There you are!" she yelled at me. "Come on, you need to hurry to the arena! You're battle starts in an hour!"

"Now you listen up, you!" I grumbled, pointing an accusing finger at her as I picked myself off of the ground. "You think that–" I hiccupped. "You think that you can tell me what to do?! Well, NO! I like it here! Me and my buddy here… Er… buddy, what's yer name?"

My 'buddy' was lying on the ground, with his head leaning against some chair. He hiccuped, and proceeded to say something about needing to avenge his father's chest hair before turning away, and vomiting.

"Exactly!" I said, pointing at him. I turned to Sully. "So that's why I've decided to do the honorable thing, and *hic* go with you to that arena show!" I took a step forward, and fell flat on my face.

"Gods, you're drunk off your ass," I heard Sully grumble. "Still, you're already registered, so you're still going to fight, even if it kills you. And believe me – it may just kill you."

"No… I must conserve my energy. Damn it, woman! Tie me to your horse and *hic* escort me to the arena!"

"…What?"

"You heard me, wench! I must ride you!"

"Er… You mean the horse?"

"You, the horse, I'd gladly mount either of you!"

I felt something hard hit me in the stomach, and I blacked out.

* * *

Lissa comes in, holding a tray that I assume has food on it. She places it on my bedside table.

"So, did you remember anything?"

I groan, and tilt my head up to look at Lissa. "Please tell me that I didn't hit on Sully while I was drunk."

"Okay. You didn't hit on Sully."

My head falls back on my pillow in relief. "Thank the gods…"

"It's a lie, though."

I jerk back up. "What?" I ask, confused. "What's a lie?"

"That you didn't hit on Sully. You most definitely hit on Sully, and boy is she mad."

"What?! Then why'd you tell me that I didn't?!"

"Because you told me to!"

I squint at her. "You think you're funny, don't you?"

She raises her hands in defense. "Hey, I just did what I was told!" She drops her arms. "So, did you remember everything?"

"No. The latest thing I remember from last night is Sully's boot making a comfy home in my gut."

Lissa starts giggling. "You…You don't really think of Sully that way, do you?"

I snort. "No, of course not. I barely know the woman! Besides, she doesn't exactly give the best first impressions…"

"Uh…huh. Anyways, I'm gonna be leaving now. Enjoy your lunch!" she says before dashing out of my room.

* * *

Memory is the least reliable method of retaining knowledge. _My _memory is an even less reliable method of retaining knowledge. And my_ drunk _self is the _absolute worst_ method of retaining knowledge.

So, remembering any more of this crap takes well over a couple of hours.

* * *

Everything was upside down. I guess that Sully really did tie me upside down to the horse.

"Wh…Where are you taking me, woman?!"

"The arena! You _told _me to do this, remember?!"

"I did no such thing! Release me this instant you *hic* vile creature!"

"Shaddup! We're almost at the arena! And you're going to fight someone, so you'd better pray to the gods that you don't get yourself killed in there!"

My memory between that moment and the time I get to the arena is hazy. I feel as if I'd said some more things, but I can't remember what.

After Sully made me enter the arena, she untied me from the horse, and I immediately fell onto the ground. I got up, and raised my fists. "Awright, where's the bozo who wants fight with *hic* this demon?!"

Sully threw a sword at me, at this point.

"Ow! *hic* That hurt!" I shouted, after I fell on the ground.

"Pick up that weapon, and get in there!" Sully screamed at me, pointing towards the entrance to the battlefield.

Doing as I was told, I picked up the fake sword, and stumbled into the arena. The guy across the room was already ready, and looked rather impatient. Of course, it was hard to tell, given that he was across the entire arena from me, and that I was drunk.

"All right you! *hic* Let's *hic* get this on!" I yelled, stumbling left and right.

"You're late," I heard Chrom say behind my back. "And…gods, you're drunk, aren't you?!"

"Stay out of this old man!" I groaned, while shoving Chrom backwards with an accusing finger.

He frowned at me. "Ah well, just…get in there and fight!"

The next thing I remember is me swiftly dodging repeated strikes at me. While drunk.

I am motherfucking Jackie Chan.

I wish so hard that I could remember this battle better since it seems epic, but I can't. Some parts seem clearer than others, while others are just a blur.

"Hum-de-dum-de-doo…" I hummed, while dodging my opponents futile attempts to hit me.

I could hear his pants. No, not those things people wear on the bottom half of their bodies; I mean that I could hear him panting. I wish I had gotten a better look at him – I had kind of been hoping to face Lon'qu at some point during the tournament, and I begin wondering if that guy I was against was him. Nah, Lon'qu probably would've hit me, by then.

Anyway, I had been drunk-dodging the guy for a while, and he was getting exhausted. Somehow, I had apparently been pretty energetic, moving around like a very ungraceful ballerina. Still, the guy eventually became really tired, and I was then able to proceed to unleash a volley of swings from my sword, only to end up knocking his sword out of his hand, allowing me to then point my own at his neck.

"Heh… You *hic* have no weapon! Surrender you *hic* fiend!"

The man gave me a very confused frown. "Are you…drunk?"

"_**I SAID SURRENDER, DAMN IT!" **_I screamed, shoving the man to the ground.

"I surrender! I surrender!"

The next thing I remember is me stumbling from the arena in victory, only to triumphantly fall face down in the snow.

* * *

With everything remembered, and my lunch eaten, I decide to walk around, and maybe apologize to Sully.

I soon run into Lissa.

"Hey! Did your memory come back?"

"Yeah. It's all back, now."

She raises an eyebrow. "Is it, now? What's the latest thing you remember?"

"Me leaving the arena after defeating that guy in the arena."

Lissa shakes her head. "Nope, there's a little bit more than that. But don't worry! With a little bit of–"

I grab her arm before she can leave. "How about no. No more resting. Just get straight to the point. What did I miss?"

Lissa rolls her eyes and sighs, before shaking off my arm. "Fine, I'll tell you. Long story short, after you passed out, we tied you to Sully's horse, and took you back to the capital. You managed to wriggle out, without us noticing, and make your way back to the bar."

I put my head in my hands, and lean back, groaning. "Nooow I remember."

Lissa smirks. "Yup. You got into a fight with your "buddy", and you got your butt kicked by a drunk fat-ass!"

"Now, to be fair, I also pissed off the bartender when he called in the enormous tab that I definitely couldn't pay. So, I got my ass kicked by _two _fat-asses." I pause. "Also, one of those said drunk fat-asses was _not_, in fact, a drunk fat-ass, but in fact a muscle-bound, sober, bartender."

Lissa's still smiling. "You're lucky that Chrom managed to find you in time before you got yourself killed!"

"Er…yeah. How big, exactly, was my tab, again?"

"Nearly beyond belief! You're looking at a reduced pay-check for a _long _time, mister!"

Shit.

* * *

I find Sully in the stables, taking care of her horse.

"Er…Hey."

She looks at me, and replies, "Hey."

"Okay…Listen. I'm sorry about what I said, okay? And I didn't mean any of it. When I'm drunk, I start spewing a bunch of crap like that, so… Sorry?"

Before I know it, I'm on my back, staring at the ceiling – a position that I've become all too familiar with.

"That was for what you said."

"Okay," I say, getting up. "I more than definitely deserved that, after what I said, so–"

I'm back on the ground. Gods, I hope that this isn't horse shit that I'm landing in…

"That," Sully says, "was for getting vomit on my boots."

"Did I do that?" I say, once again getting up.

"Yup – right after I kicked you in the stomach."

"I see."

Another slap to the face, and I'm back where I seem to belong.

"And that," Sully says, appearing to be enjoying this way too much, "was for fun."

"…Should I even bother getting up?"

"Come on. You're lying in horse crap."

"No thanks. I'm comfortable here. The shit has accepted me as one of their own."

Sully forces me up. "Okay. Now we're even. Now, for the love of the gods, go wash yourself – you stink like crap."

"I noticed."

* * *

**AN: There is absolutely no problem that numerous slaps to the face cannot fix. 'Nuff said.  
**


End file.
